Cover Critique: Rumor Has It

Let me preface this post by saying that my design critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts stemming from my design experience.

Um. Anyone want to try and explain what's going on here? I spent a solid five minutes attempting to wade through these tangled limbs in an effort to formulate a hypothesis as to what is taking place other than what seems to be a game of naked Twister gone terribly wrong. Because this cover reminds me of one of those posters where you stare at it, squint at it, cross your eyes, and then maybe you see what your supposed to if you look just right, I'm just going to list the things I think I know about what's happening as opposed to a formal critique.

1. They're in a car. (I've astounded you with my brilliance again haven't I? It's intimidating, I know).

2. As this is a Harlequin Blaze novel, I'm guessing the shirtless fellow here is engaging in a, uh, pleasurable oral activity with a female companion. If that's the case, our male friend must be endowed with the tongue of a giraffe as his head seems to be only at her knees and not nearly close enough to reach his destination for the suggested activity.

3. Her legs seem closed. How is his head in between them if they're closed? It almost looks like Ms. Calves of Steel has decapitated him. There really is no sign of life from him at all. For all I know, he's draped over the seat completely unconscious while she's acting out a praying mantis-like fantasy. Ew. That's not sexy at all now is it? No. And if his head isn't between her legs, where is it and what is he doing?

4. What is the blue bit in the lower left corner? Is it the front seat? Is he leaning over it to get to her, or are they both in the back seat? I originally assumed they were both in back, but that blue corner confounds me. If it is the front seat, our female lead has superpowers as her hand would have to have physically gone through the seat to get to him. So confused.

5. This woman, for all the femininity of her legs, has incredibly masculine hands. Are there three people in this car? Perhaps it really is a game of Twister, and this mass of body parts is the end result. Pity I wasn't invited, I rule at Twister. Rule, I tell you.

6. I think in addition to having freakishly strong, potentially murderous calves, our heroine is also graced with the ability to stretch her limbs to extraordinary lengths. Seriously. Just stare at their positions for a moment, how is it even physically possible? Quick, someone run out to your car and see if this is could even happen. She must be contorted beyond all recognition for her arm to be able to reach around his back like that while her legs are up in the air. Is her face smashed against the back of the front seat? Where is the rest of her? Perhaps I don't want to know, ignorance is bliss after all. Maybe she's related to our gumby-bride? I guess we all should sit back and admire her flexibility, he certainly seems to be enjoying it.

7. It appears as though a ghost wants in on the action as well and is attempting to invade the pants of our gentleman caller. There's an odd, white, vaporous blob hovering right over his no-doubt rock solid cheeks, what's that about? I guess he could have passed gas, but that would ultimately kill the moment wouldn't it? Nothing puts a stop to romance quite like a good fart, especially when in the confines of a car with the windows rolled up. How decidedly unpleasant.

I find this cover utterly baffling. I'm flummoxed. Befuddled. Downright bewildered. So please, please, leave me your thoughts and theories as to what is happening here, maybe we can all figure it out together. We're all intelligent people right? This cover can't beat us. It won't. I refuse to let it. Darn you Harlequin Blaze! Just give me a cover with some pecs and abs and a title having to do with a millionaire and the virgin mistress he's purchased for pregnancy and call it a day!