Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.
Warning: This week's critique is more adult in nature
Warning: This week's critique is more adult in nature
In honor of Black Friday and the unofficial start to the holiday season, I thought it was only fitting to share this gem with you to help get that holiday spirit flowing. Always thinking of others, that's me. Now, when you first look at this cover you may think to yourself "Self, in comparison to some of the other things Jenny's come up with, this really isn't so bad." And you'd be right. Aside from the fact that he's lime green and has a strange vein situation happening on that right shoulder, there's nothing overly absurd about this cover. But wait for it. Would I ever share something with you that wasn't completely hilarious? No. So prepare yourselves, because the ridiculousness really comes into play with the synopsis. Enjoy:
For years, Trisha has searched for the perfect man. One who is taller than her and who would dominate her in the bedroom as well as sharing his heart with her. Hood is clan leader of his planet's military. His father, king of Zion, is a very dominant man, so it’s no wonder Hood does his father's bidding and helps St. Nick deliver Christmas presents to Earth. However, when Hood's mother poses as a sales clerk and convinces Trisha to buy a huge green dildo, Christmas takes on a whole new meaning. Trisha finds her lover, Hood gets his mate, and Christmas night turns into one full of erotic screams and sexy demands. Who would've thought a giant green dildo could bring Trisha the man of her dreams?
*falls down dead*
*can't breathe through the tears*
Okay. I've recovered ever-so slightly. Have you? Of course you haven't because that synopsis is almost too amazing to comprehend. I bet I've stunned you all into a kind of a I-can't-believe-that's-what-it-actually-says silence. Believe my friends, believe. The green dildo is real. My mind can't even wrap itself around what was said enough to come up with a coherent critique, so I'd like to just dissect a few elements of that blurb. Here we go.
1. Hood's father is a dominant man. Got it. How exactly does dominance relate to his military-leader son delivering Christmas presents to the little teacup humans of Earth? You have no idea? Me either. Moving on.
2. Hood's mother (wife of a dominant man people!) just decides to up and come to Earth to work in an adult toy store? What are her qualifications? I feel like we are to assume that Hood's kinky mom knew Trisha was going to be shopping for a dildo for Christmas (as you do) so she insinuated herself into this store at just the right time. Super. Does anyone else find it extraordinarily creepy that Trisha's soon-to-be lover's mother helped pick her out a giant green dildo? I have to say my mother-in-law has been giving me stockings full of goodies for going on ten years now and there has been nary a sex-related gift in any of them. Clearly, I got the short end of the mother-in-law stick. Shame.
Cathy, if you're reading this, please work on that okay? Let's ratchet up the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law awkwardness a few notches and create some drama shall we? If there are no weird and inappropriate gifts waiting for me in a month's time I'm going to be wildly disappointed. Make it happen.
3. I'm a bit baffled as to how the magic green dildo leads Trisha to Hood. There's no mention in there about them meeting at all, it just says she gets the green wang substitute and then *POOF* Hood has his mate. Whuh? Is it like a genie-in-a-bottle situation? She rubs the green penis and Hood appears in all his strange present-delivering glory? What a bizarre way for two people to meet. Imagine relaying this information to friends and family over a champagne toast at your wedding:
"It's a funny story really. You'll laugh. I was lonely and shopping for a way to lend myself a hand in the romance department, and wouldn't you know it, but I happened to meet Hood's mother in the sex shop! What are the odds right? *deep sigh* Anyway, she knew all about dildos and helped me pick out a HUGE green one that she thought would work just perfect for me and then...um. Well, things get a little hazy after that to be honest, I must have been in a fog of lust using my new gift and can't quite remember a few details! *high pitched giggle* The important thing is at some point in there Hood showed up and declared me his mate. The End. Cheers!"
4. Last, but certainly not least, why is the guy on the cover green? The synopsis very clearly states that only the dildo is green, there is no mention of Hood (and seriously, Hood is his name?) being green at all. I guess I prefer this verdant fellow to an image of a giant dildo because that could quite possibly damage all my delicate sensibilities (*snort*) and then I wouldn't be able to do future critiques justice as I would be forced to rip my eyes from their sockets to escape such a sight. So, let's all take a moment and be thankful for our leg-less, hand-less, and apparently seasick gentlemen for saving us from a far worse fate. Hood, we thank you.
Happy Friday Everyone!
*An enormous thank you to Amanda from On a Book Bender for finding this masterpiece and sending it my way!