Cover Critique: Fun with Poses

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

This week I've pulled together some covers where the models' poses give me pause and maybe, just a little, make me want attempt to re-enact them myself just to see if I can divine the reasoning behind them by getting into position. I think we should all give these poses a whirl so we can attempt to understand just what taking place in the images below. Enjoy!

BELIEVE

Believe my friends, believe. Believe that when your butt is thrust out at just the right angle and encircled by monstrous, overgrown sprigs of holly, that you will be worthy of gracing the cover of a romance novel. Believe that when you find yourself somehow stuck in a bush around the holidays in the freezing cold with naught but your flimsy ivory gown to clothe you, that true love is on its way. Trust in true love dear readers. Trust it to warm your half naked form and protect your skin from the scratches and scrapes from the holly you inexplicably find yourself trapped amongst.

Okay, seriously, what is going on here? I have no explanation for this pose whatsoever. Was she running away and got snagged by the biggest holly bush ever grown? And why is her backside being so oddly framed by the leaves? Is there something special about her rear end that we should know about? Should we believe in it? Does she have a pair of magical cheeks? She does appear to be craning her neck around to check on that posterior, so it must be important if she's making sure it's okay instead of trying to work her way out of this absurd situation she's found herself in.

Tell me something friends - if you were driving down the road and found a woman wearing I'm-not-sure-what with her hair dramatically blowing in the ice cold breeze and her butt protruding from a holly bush she can't seem to find her way out of, what would you do? I, for one, have no clue. I feel like maybe this situation should get added to one of those survival manuals though, people should know how to escape from foliage with their butts intact. It could save lives.

And lastly, I just want to talk about type placement for a moment. Why, oh why, when they've made her arse such a focal point, would they line it up with a tall, pointy letter like the "l" in believe? Now it just looks like she's trying to impale herself on it and that takes my mind straight into the gutter and creates a whole new set of issues I'm positive I want to know nothing more about. Plus, she seems absolutely blissful over it. Whuh.

THE DARING TWIN

At first glance this pose looks okay. A tad dramatic maybe, but we're all kind of used to that when it comes to romance covers. Upon closer inspection however, I find myself with a few questions. First, what is he standing on? Apparently part of what makes whichever one of them is the twin daring is that they have the ability to fly. How wonderful! This gift has obviously come in handy on this cover as they appear to be suspended in mid-air with the mountains far below them and the sunset-tinged clouds all around them. Ah, romance.

It looks like maybe the cover designer thought of this little problem after everything was photographed, designed, and ready to go and sought to remedy it by tossing in the world's tiniest plant way down there in the bottom left corner. You've not fooled us my clever friend! Your attempt to ground him has failed epically. "A" for effort though, right? Right.

I'm assuming this is supposed to be a passionate embrace - that she's run and flung herself into his waiting arms and he's hoisted her up over his knee like the sexy semi-naked embodiment of magnificence he so clearly is. However, her facial expression is completely vacant. She's just hanging out, twirling her hair and wondering what's going on with life. She might even have a mild curiosity as to where her right leg has gone, but that's not really a source of worry when her kilt-wearing, long-haired flying Scotsman is taking her for a ride. She could also be trying to figure out how to breathe through her nose as opposed to through her wide-open mouth, but we'll have to cut her a little slack what with the high altitude and all. Either way, she seems somewhat less than enthused at this man's so-called "daring". Better luck next time you shirtless superhero you.

Have a good weekend all!