Friday, July 29, 2011

Cover Critique: The From Behind Romantic Tackle

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

I know it's been a little while on the critique guys I'm so sorry! Blogger fail. I did 3 covers this week though, so hopefully that makes up for it a little bit.

In my scouring of the internet for the most entertaining of book covers, I began to notice a trend in the poses for historical romance novels and thought I would share my findings with you. I have dubbed it "The From Behind Romantic Tackle". Brilliance, thy name is Jenny. Try not to be intimidated by my way with words, I'm just really on my game today. Enjoy!



So. What exactly do you think he's doing to her? I'm assuming this is supposed to be a passionate embrace given that his hand is all up in her business, but it almost looks as though he's hit some sort of pressure point and just doubled her over doesn't it? The bare skin of her upper thighs must be super sensitive for her to have this incredibly dramatic response to the brush of his fingers, or perhaps we just need to give our kudos to him for having such orgasmic digits. Bravo you master manipulator of the metacarpals!

I've seen cover after cover with this pose (though not so many with this level of enthusiasm, well done cover models, well done!) and it just makes me giggle at the idea that being pounced on from behind, essentially bent in half, and then heavily breathed on is an adequate method of seduction. Maybe I'm just a prude who's not thinking outside the box though. Maybe I'm underestimating the sexiness that is my ear being panted on while the fabric of my dress is getting far more action as my sexy shirtless hero bunches it up than I myself am getting.

Let's see another example shall we?



Ah, look at this clever fellow. He's making this pose his own by switching up the ear/neck breathing and focusing his smoldering exhalations on her eye. Good on you my friend. Way to be a leader and not a follower you magnificent male specimen, show those other romance heroes what you're made of!

While his creative liberty is nothing short of admirable, looking at her face makes me think perhaps it's not really having the desired effect. The woman on the cover of Wild at least seems to be awake and somewhat actively participating in the tackle-de-amor, but this woman appears to have passed out. She also seems to have some sort of problem breathing through her nose given her mouth is gaping open, though it might be entirely possible that our fair-haired romeo could benefit from a mint and the only way she can get into things is to breathe through her mouth. Poor girl.

I would like to be present for some of these photo shoots and see the before and after images wouldn't you? Before I just picture this woman standing there in his embrace, looking bored and wondering how much longer she has to wear 20lbs of red plaid fabric while feigning arousal. Then, as soon as they say action, her knees buckle, her back arches, and her jaw drops open on a dreamy sigh as he does absolutely nothing but press his goods into her backside and blow hot air on her eye. Sexy time has commenced people.

This last one is not a historical romance cover, but it still fits my theme for today's post and is extraordinarily entertaining, so be ready.



Well then. This couple is taking the tackle to a whole new level aren't they? Before we get sidetracked with the fact that he's copping a feel of her breast in order to provide her just a touch of modesty on this cover (so thoughtful isn't he?), I'd like to discuss the spatial relationship of his appendages. Can you just look at where his right elbow is in relation to where his right shoulder should be behind her? He has a stump of an upper right arm apparently because those proportions just don't make sense. The musculature of that same forearm also doesn't seem to match that of his left biceps, so I have no idea who is actually feeling this young woman up. We have a mystery arm with a nipple fetish here. Creepy.

And where has her right arm gone? This is quite the conundrum isn't it? I'm actually beginning to wonder if these two people were actually ever in this picture together or if they were photoshopped into this position. Not only do we have the missing limb/stunted arm situation, but his face seems to have gotten stuck inside her face, as though she has somehow absorbed him. What!? I'm so thoroughly confused and it just makes me happy. Who loves this cover? *raises both hands*

Happy Friday Everyone!

46 comments:

  1. *raises both hands* That last cover is so funny. My first thoughts is what is going on with their arms.

    And I love the name "The From Behind Romantic Tackle" LMAO :)

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  2. I have missed these a ton. I totally love your cover critiques. Great theme this week Jenny. I totally agree with all of them.

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  3. Oh thank you for a very much needed laugh. Pure brilliance. I may have to bookmark this post and come back to it on days I need a little pick me up.

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  4. Yes, Yes, "Brilliance, thy name is Jenny." Funniest first line in the post! Looking at that first pose I think it's physically impossible to have that chest size and stand like that, kind of like Barbie! Gravity never seems to catch up with any of these girls! No fair!

    That last picture, even the hand is weird!
    You did great!!

    Heather

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  5. I've missed your critiques! And I love this post, totally cracked me up :)

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  6. Lol, oh that 2nd one. He breaths in her eye and she looks like she is coming.

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  7. I am trying to figure out what is so sexy about that first cover. The girl seems to be in pain. The poor girl on the second cover seems to have a breathing problem - you may be absolutely right about the guy's foul breath :D

    Jenny, you're brilliantly funny as always! Thank you!

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  8. Oh my goodness!! Thanks for making my Friday morning - again! Seriously, the first cover you picked it the best "wild", it truly seems like he's really... uhm taking her from behind. Look at her face! ... The only thing that stands against my theory is the robe... but.. oh well...

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  9. They're all ready and in position in that WILD cover and CLAIMED - she certainly does look claimed! LOL

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  10. I love these posts....they always make me laugh. I'd say my favorite one is the second one. It's hysterical and super weird looking....definitely not natural. I love your breathing comment....hysterical! Happy Friday, Jenny!

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  11. The critiques were missed but well worth the wait, You have surpassed yourself. Thanks for the laughs.

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  12. Ah, the good ole From Behind pose. A classic of the bodice-ripper genre and an excuse to show both a muscular male chest as well as the girl's thrusting, heaving bosoms. Or, in some cases, her boredom (hey, he's trying, what with his tongue in her ear and all. Just because he can't see that she'd rather be doing the dishes...). Love your cover critques! Some excellent finds this week.
    Mary @ Book Swarm

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  13. I have often wondered about what the models where thinking in that pose..they all don't very happy

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  14. ooooo that was funny!!! Orgasmic digits rock!! I think that last cover was hysterical....it was not romantic or erotic at all...it was heres my beast hand feeling as much of you as possible...eww...

    :D

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  15. you ARE on your game! hilarious, thanks again for a much needed chuckle :-)

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  16. Nic - Seriously. I have no idea what his happening with the arms on that cover. LOVE IT:)

    Laura - Thank you! I'm going to try to get them up more regularly, this summer has been a bit crazy on the blog and I fell out of routine:)

    Rachel - You're welcome! Glad it could make you laugh:)

    Heather - Hahaha I wrote the post last night and I was getting punchy:)

    Daisy - Thank you, thank you, I do try:)

    Blodeuedd - Right? She's got a quick trigger for sure:)

    Misha - She does look like she's in pain? I have no idea what those magic fingers are doing, but he needs to stop:)

    Danny - You're welcome! So happy I could make you laugh, hope it eased a bit of your stress just for a minute:)

    Karen - No kidding. Never has a title fit better:) Her boob is his dammit!

    Christina - Happy Friday! There is a breathing situation on the second one, I can't believe no one though to ask her to close her mouth just a little:)

    Cathy - Hahaha thank you:)

    Mary - Thank you! I found tons of examples of this pose, but these were the best I thought:)

    Julie - I just wonder how long she's had to stand like that. I would get bored of some guy breathing on me.

    Tina - HA! That they do! I stared at the last cover for a long time trying to figure out what was happening (aside from the blatant groping of course).

    Mummazappa - Ha! Thank you:)

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  17. OMG HILARIOUS! I love these cover critiques!! The couple on the Chase cover look...interesting. The open mouths look awkward...=P The Claimed cover has to be the craziest. Their poses are craaazy. I bet you are on to something about them being photoshopped together! You make my Fridays with these covers. LOL

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  18. lol. This is so funny. OMG, what's wrong with those people on those covers. It looks like the guy in the second cover wears jeans, which doesn't fit with the girls outfit. I mean that's def. from another era/time period. ;)

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  19. My Photoshop senses are definitely tingling over this last cover. Hilarious job critiquing these tackles-de-amor. :)

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  20. Bailey - I've never understood the wide-open mouth. Parted lips? Yes. But gaping maw? Um, no:)

    Nina - He does look like he's in black jeans doesn't he? Maybe they thought we'd be distracted by his lack of shirt and not notice the little things:)

    Kat - Right? Weirdness is happening on that last one:)

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  21. I would *LOVE* to find a man with orgasmic digits! *raises hands* I love ALL the covers Jenny! That last one probably wouldn't be as bad if that arm looked like it was his actual arm...albeit detached arm...but still his. It looks like a skinny guy's arm added to his muscled body.

    And might I say with that second one, doesn't look like she is putting up much of a chase, eh?! Woman today, they really need to learn when to run and when to let men blow in their eyes. *sigh* Oh well, can't save em all.

    Ellora's Cave does seem to have such perfect covers for these posts though! :D

    Happiness thy name is The From Behind Romantic Tackle!

    Jen
    In the Closet With a Bibliophile

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  22. Yay, I love this feature! I love how you give stories to the cover models, haha. The last cover is definitely the most horrendous--you've got to be right about the photoshopping! Plus, the arm-censor...lame! :p

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  23. You are so right about the last cover. I didn't even notice her right arm was gone until you mentioned it LOL.

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  24. OMG! The appendages on that last cover are a scary mess. Still, the cover is freaking fantastic. I'd like it for wall art or something.

    Glad to see CC back. Super funny stuff here, Jenny. You are brilliant.

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  25. HAHAHAHA! The tackle! This is hilarious! I must stop looking at this before I get in trouble at work!!!

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  26. I've learned the hard - or messy - way to not eat or drink while reading your cover critique posts. Hysterical as always. I'm so dreaming of a guy panting in my eye. Especially if he had tackled me from behind with a stub forearm and had his head absorbing into mine. Basic Seduction 101 techniques! Yes, you were on your game today!

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  27. Hahahaha omg this had my laughing hysterically! That last cover was just too funny, I believe you're right about the use of Photoshop with that one unless some random person reached around the two of them to cop a feel while the picture was being taken lol.

    Ah I believe this post has made my day :)

    <3
    Taylor

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  28. "master manipulator of the metacarpals" hm... I think I need to meet them... uh him! ;D

    Oh and that last one... his arm has been shrunk due to being her bra? You know how those things like to lift and separate... ;)

    Oh lovely post as usual! I love these! Always puts me in a good mood. :)

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  29. Missed the snarky cover comments and am glad they're back! That first one makes you wonder where his other hand is....

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  30. Thank you for making me laugh :)

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  31. ROFL I am so glad these are back, I missed your critiques.

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  32. LOL, wow those are some really bad covers. Thanks for brightening up my day, Jenny. :P

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  33. Look at the sky in the background of the first book. It looks like it's going to rain. Who wants to be soaking wet in a purple dress like that. I don't think it would wear well in the rain.

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  34. OMG Jenny I love these posts! Never fail to make me laugh, the last cover gave me a total WTF moment! :D

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  35. Oh how I missed these cover critiques of yours Jenny. *happy grins all round* Cover 3 had me in absolute stitches. Should have retitled it the Human patchwork edition the way that pic was photoshopped. Oh and that second pic? My first thought was that the male model has horrible hair. Quite random I know but apparently men with bad hair are also quite a cover faux pas for me. :D

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  36. Oh shizzz Jenny!

    I choked on my water when I read this: perhaps we just need to give our kudos to him for having such orgasmic digits and right when I recovered from said choking attack I read this: (so thoughtful isn't he?) Oh gosh... Must stop reading so I can breathe properly again! ;)

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  37. How I've missed your cover critiques! You have such sharp eyes. I didn't even notice the missing arm until you mentioned it. You know what I noticed though? The author's name on the last cover translated in French means "Her Love" :)

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  38. Wow, there ARE a lot of back-tackles, aren't there?! Honestly, though, sometimes the cheesiness of these covers actually turn me off the book. I know that they're supposed to highlight the romance of the book, but they're all so cookie cutter these days that, unless it's something completely different, I probably won't pick up the (romance) book unless it's by an author I know.


    Smiles!
    Lori

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  39. oh Jenny, I am always intimidated and impressed by your way with words :P I think you're onto something with that last picture. Looks like the photoshop people played "connect the random body parts" because none of that makes any sense according to normal human anatomy!

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  40. Ha! WTF is up with that guy's arms? This post is too funny, :)

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  41. The Lynsay Sands one made me giggle all on its own. I mean, really? REALLY? Many someones decided that was okay.

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  42. Allow me to grovel before you great Jenny, master spotter of ghostly ménage à trois and absent limbs. *grovel grovel*

    Loved this post!

    Shelagh
    The Word Fiend

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  43. "Bravo you master manipulator of the metacarpals!" Brilliant, Jenny! Just genius. I would sort of like to be present behind the scenes for these photo shoots, as awkward as they would be!

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  44. Hahaha, so funny! Thanks for the post!!!

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  45. LMAO! Why are so many covers from behind like that? You are so right...it is overused!

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