Cover Critique: Cloth-Covered Goods

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

I've started noticing a trend lately as I've searched for covers for these critiques. Would you like to know what this trend is? Based on some of the covers I've posted in the past, this question probably has some of you grimacing and others of you checking over your shoulders at work to make sure no one can see your screen, and I have to tell you friends that reaction just makes me happy. I feel like I've done my job well and have scarred many of you for life. No need to thank me. When I see something that makes me want to tear the eyeballs from my head and wash them vigorously in an effort to scrub the image off, I can't help but say to myself "Self, you should share this experience with others". Kind of like when something smells terrible and the first thing you want to do after smelling it is hand it to someone else and make them smell it too so you can suffer together. And so here we are. Today, I bring you the gloriousness of cloth-covered goods.

THE COWBOY NEXT DOOR

Um. Well, he's very naked isn't he? Yes, yes he is. And also very hairless. I have just a couple things I want to discuss about what we're seeing here. First, the title is The Cowboy Next Door, yet I see no evidence of this headless nude fellow being a cowboy at all. Shouldn't he be wearing boots? Or nothing but a belt with an enormous buckle? Is the cowboy next door a nudist? I have to say I think it would be rather uncomfortable to be a nudist cowboy. Having ridden many a horse, I can say with some certainty that being naked while doing so would be unbelievably painful. Especially for a man. Not only would there be epic chafing, but I imagine there would be some rather intense pinching and squishing of delicate parts that then would most likely not be up for the sexy time after a day of bouncing around on the back of a horse. Probably wouldn't make for a very interesting romance novel then would it?

Chapter 1 - Rides horse naked.
Chapter 2 - Comes home in pain.
Chapter 3 - Parts don't want to work right.

Disappointing all the way around really. And I would like everyone to notice how I avoided the obvious "ridden hard, put away wet" commentary. It's because I'm classy. And mature. And clean-minded. (Is that laughing I hear from some of you? I think maybe it is...)

Second, is it me, or is he clutching that white towel just a little too strongly? Most covers with cloth-covered goods have the offending fabric wrapped rather precariously around the model's middle, teasing us with the promise of a peep show given how loosely the cloth hangs, as though the slightest breeze will cause it to drop those last vital inches. Such is not the case with our cowboy. Oh no. He seems to have a death grip on that towel which makes me wonder what he's hiding. Is it embarrassingly tiny? Will his hands look large in comparison? Is it oddly shaped? Kinked? Curved? Are there two heads? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR JUNK NAKED COWBOY!!!!

You're all staring at his crotch trying to make out the shape of his dangly bits to see if there's something off about them now aren't you? It can't be helped, his white-knuckle grip on that towel just raises too many questions.

Moving on.

WOVEN DREAMS

Anyone else just do a double take on this cover? I know I did. At first glance I thought he was holding some sort of green squash, which of course led my mind down an uncomfortable path lined with questions about what a naked man would be doing with a green groin squash, but then I leaned closer to my computer screen and realized my error. Penis squash crisis averted. *wipes sweat off brow*

After the squash debacle, I next thought maybe his junk was tattooed. Like a sleeve. Only on his goods. Yikes. I just want to quickly say however that even though I have absolutely no training in the art of tattooing, I would be more than willing to offer up my services in this one unique case should this naked man of woven dreams actually want his nether regions inked. It would be a strictly professional situation. Obviously.

Eventually, my mind clawed it's way out of a squash and tattoo-laced gutter and I finally realized that we are simply dealing with some phallic shaped patterned fabric, though I'm not entirely convinced this realization improves the cover situation. It's clear a great deal of trouble went into this model's pose to ensure no woman could mistake what he's holding in his hands to be anything other than what the good Lord blessed him with at birth, and that just makes me giggle. Can you imagine being on this photo shoot? I'm sure it was someone's job to help shape that fabric and make sure the light hit it just right to create the illusion of perhaps the largest phallus ever. Here's how I imagine a conversation between the stylist for this shoot and a friend might go:

Friend: How was your day today?

Stylist: Oh, you know. Went to the shoot. Stood in front of a naked male model for hours molding a giant penis out of patterned fabric, all the while making sure his hands cupped the base and the head just so to make it look extra authentic and sexy.

Friend: The usual then.

Stylist: Yep. Same thing tomorrow, only this fabric is flesh colored instead of green. (see below image on far left)

Good times. Just in case these two aren't enough to satisfy your need to see more cloth-covered goods, I present to you the below for your viewing enjoyment. You're welcome. Happy Friday!

Click to enlarge
(there's a joke in there somewhere, but since I ooze class and maturity today, I shall refrain from making it)

* A special thank you to Jen from In The Closet with a Bibliophile and Amanda from On a Book Bender for bringing some of these covers to my attention.