Cover Critique: I Heart Harlequin

Let me preface this post by saying that my design critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.



Um. Is this vampire sheikh's armpit on fire? That's not exactly a ringing endorsement for his personal hygiene is it? If he manages to emanate a smell potent enough it can catch fire, I'm not sure he's a romance hero I want to spend a great deal of time with. Imagine your just snuggling in for the night (or day since he's a vampire) and you lay your head in that comfortable juncture between a big strong arm and a solid chest, take a deep contented breath and find yourself inhaling noxious flammable fumes. Ah, the romance of it all. I wonder what kind of deodorant he uses? I don't know that even the clinical strength ones could possibly douse flames, so he might want to have that checked out by a professional.

And just look at his face, he's got a look that practically dares us to make a comment about his fiery pits, cocking that eyebrow in challenge and as he seems to be silently letting us know that his sweltering stench doesn't affect his bedroom prowess. In fact, he seems ready to pounce on us, enveloping us in hot, sweaty, armpit man smell. I'm aroused just thinking about it, aren't you?

Looking more closely I realize the odd shapes making up the flames are actually fingers and it's just poor hand placement causing this unfortunate underarm situation, but it took me a few moments of concentrated staring to come to this conclusion. Or maybe I just have an odd fixation with armpits after doing all these romance cover critiques where pits seem to be an unusual focus. The latter is a strong possibility.



Oh my. This is quite possibly one of the least romantic covers I've ever seen. What is going on here? Has she passed out? Does his tie smell of sugar and spice and everything nice and she's just lost in the bliss of the sweet smelling fabric? He seems to be completely uninterested in the fact that he has a woman unconscious on his chest, instead staring out at us as though there is no cause for alarm and women often inhale the scent of his ties and then go limp. That's actually really creepy.

Her eyes are closed, her mouth is wide open, she might even be snoring, and he's just hanging out there against a piano? desk? some piece of dark wood furniture, not a care in the world. He actually seems quite tame to me, I'd say she doesn't have much work to do at all. And if the way she goes about taming men is passing out upright against their chests, I think she has a thing or two to work on in the seduction department. I'm no expert, but I believe naked armpit fire sheikh above has more to offer than our well dressed but snooze-worthy couple here, don't you think?



Whoa. She's going after that end-of-date kiss with a vengeance isn't she? She's leaning in at a rather extreme angle–as though she wants to make absolutely sure their noses won't get in the way, her hair blowing back with the sheer force of her forward thrust to suction herself to his pursed lips. One would think the speed with which she appears to be attacking him would catch him off guard and he wouldn't have time for the pucker, so maybe he has just spent the whole evening with his face in that position to ready himself for this moment.

Based on this title, I think it's safe to assume this couple went on a blind date (please try to refrain from applauding me for my deductive reasoning skills, I know they're extraordinary), and I have to say it seems to be quite the successful one. Now, as someone who has never gone on a blind date, I'm a bit confused about the flower situation and might need someone to explain it to me. If he showed up at her door with flowers, wouldn't she take them inside first and put them in water before they left? If so, why would she have flowers in her hand at the end of the night? Perhaps this is their first meeting and those flowers are the greatest flowers ever grown and she has to show her immediate appreciation by assaulting and undressing him. That's completely normal right?

And can we just review the tagline for a moment? "Let's see Cupid pull this one off..." it says. Um. Dear Cupid, your presence is no longer required. The magical bouquet of sex roses has done your job for you, and our semi-shirtless gentleman no longer needs any assistance as he is moments away from being romantically mauled. Thanks anyway though. What exactly does Cupid have to pull off here? They seem primed and ready to me, no winged cherub necessary Harlequin Blaze.

Happy Friday everyone!