Cover Critique: Romance Cover Categories Part 3

Let me preface this post by saying that my design critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

Alright everyone, originally this was going to be the last week of the romance cover categories, but I've found too many good covers so I'm going to extend this series for just one more week. Until I find even more. Then I'll have to share because, really, these are too much fun to keep to myself. If you happened to miss the last two weeks, you can find them here and here. Hope you enjoy everyone!

CATEGORY: The Chest Appreciation




Ah, yes. The breast worship. What's sexier than that? Nothing I tell you! Look at him. He's in middle-sized, clothing-covered boob heaven isn't he? I don't think anyone has ever been as pleased to run their face through fabric as this bare-chested gentleman, he's down on one knee paying homage to this woman's shirt like it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to him. Maybe it's silk?

Since we've had a bit of an armpit theme these last few weeks, I just want to point out the location of his right hand. In her pit. What is going on with these romance heroes? I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's trying to be respectful by not grabbing her breasts like a heathen (instead, he'll just breath on them and weirdly rub his face up against them–not sure that's any better Mr. Celtic Fire) so his hand is safely off to the side, however that leaves his thumb directly in her armpit. Why romance covers, why?

Now that I've drawn attention to the armpit situation, I would like to discuss just what is happening with this woman. She is flailing those arms about like it's nobody's business, swinging them above her head with impressive abandon. Maybe she's ticklish and that thumb-in-pit action has whipped her into a frenzy? And everyone take a quick look at her right hand up above the "A" in Nash. Sweet baby Jesus. What is wrong with it? Why does she have a mutant green hand? Are her extremities rotting? Does she morph into a troll or zombie when aroused? That would be a heck of a twist wouldn't it. Our boob-loving hero wouldn't see that coming would he? He'd just be going along, paying attention to her tits and pits (like any good lover does), then WHAM! her monster hand drops down to stroke his hair and puts that Celtic fire right out. Glorious.

One last thing on this cover: her hair. I have no words for it. She's got a poof and what looks like a receding hairline on the side there but I think it's just a play of the light. Love it. Good thing his eyes are closed so he doesn't have to see the brilliance of it, because as soon as he opens those bad boys and takes a gander at that hair along with her Frankenstein hand, I don't think even his obsession with her chest will be enough to keep him interested.

CATEGORY: The Dip




This is probably the most famous of classic romance cover poses. Always a man in various stages of undress towering over a woman who seems positively overcome with passion as he bends her down for a kiss (or just to stare at her, whichever). For how commonly this pose is used, I can honestly say I don't think I've read a single romance novel wherein the hero and heroine actually find themselves in this position, so I can't help but wonder why they are always pictured like this on the cover. Has anyone read a story where the hero, being shirtless of course, has dipped the heroine back with one leg in the air and then hovered as though he was going to kiss her?

Is it me or does she look like she's about to sneeze? She seems oddly congested, as though she's suffering from allergies and is about to blow snot all over that tawny skin of his. I almost wish this could be a moving picture so we could see that happen, I don't know that he'll want to be her beloved highlander after he's covered in spittle. She just looks uncomfortable doesn't she? Normally, the hero is the one lifting the heroine's leg up and supporting it, but not this fellow, nope, he's being the opposite of helpful and applying downward force on her knee so she has to strain to keep it in place–look at that calf muscle flexing! No wonder she's going to snot on him. Payback.

CATEGORY: The What Were They Thinking?




Where to start? Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush on this one, I'm just going to dive right in with the fact that there's lightning shooting from his junk. I'm going to gloss over the fact he's wearing strange and very short shorts at the moment and focus on the more disturbing issue–that the cover designer thought it would be a good idea to leave the bolts of lightning positioned as they are as opposed to moving them in any other direction so attention wouldn't immediately be drawn to his business. Now, I haven't read this book, so perhaps this gentleman can in fact shoot divine fire from his crotch and this is therefore a completely accurate cover image. If that's the case, I retract my snark entirely.

In addition to his, um, special ability, he also appears to be a giant given the way he's towering above the trees in the background. Maybe that's the explanation for his absurd shorts. He can't find clothes in his size because he's a lightning-wielding monstrosity of a man and the only thing he could wedge himself and his gifted manhood into were these very tight, very small shorts. Why wouldn't they have cropped him at the waist? That would have solved all the major issues with this image and we wouldn't be giggling or snorting or shooting liquid out our nostrils because we drank something before viewing this cover, we would instead most likely appreciate the man's pecs and be on our way. But no, he had to be shown in all his glory. Electric penis and all.

Happy Friday everyone!