Friday, February 4, 2011

Cover Critique: Romance Cover Categories Part 3

Let me preface this post by saying that my design critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

Alright everyone, originally this was going to be the last week of the romance cover categories, but I've found too many good covers so I'm going to extend this series for just one more week. Until I find even more. Then I'll have to share because, really, these are too much fun to keep to myself. If you happened to miss the last two weeks, you can find them here and here. Hope you enjoy everyone!

CATEGORY: The Chest Appreciation




Ah, yes. The breast worship. What's sexier than that? Nothing I tell you! Look at him. He's in middle-sized, clothing-covered boob heaven isn't he? I don't think anyone has ever been as pleased to run their face through fabric as this bare-chested gentleman, he's down on one knee paying homage to this woman's shirt like it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to him. Maybe it's silk?

Since we've had a bit of an armpit theme these last few weeks, I just want to point out the location of his right hand. In her pit. What is going on with these romance heroes? I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's trying to be respectful by not grabbing her breasts like a heathen (instead, he'll just breath on them and weirdly rub his face up against them–not sure that's any better Mr. Celtic Fire) so his hand is safely off to the side, however that leaves his thumb directly in her armpit. Why romance covers, why?

Now that I've drawn attention to the armpit situation, I would like to discuss just what is happening with this woman. She is flailing those arms about like it's nobody's business, swinging them above her head with impressive abandon. Maybe she's ticklish and that thumb-in-pit action has whipped her into a frenzy? And everyone take a quick look at her right hand up above the "A" in Nash. Sweet baby Jesus. What is wrong with it? Why does she have a mutant green hand? Are her extremities rotting? Does she morph into a troll or zombie when aroused? That would be a heck of a twist wouldn't it. Our boob-loving hero wouldn't see that coming would he? He'd just be going along, paying attention to her tits and pits (like any good lover does), then WHAM! her monster hand drops down to stroke his hair and puts that Celtic fire right out. Glorious.

One last thing on this cover: her hair. I have no words for it. She's got a poof and what looks like a receding hairline on the side there but I think it's just a play of the light. Love it. Good thing his eyes are closed so he doesn't have to see the brilliance of it, because as soon as he opens those bad boys and takes a gander at that hair along with her Frankenstein hand, I don't think even his obsession with her chest will be enough to keep him interested.

CATEGORY: The Dip




This is probably the most famous of classic romance cover poses. Always a man in various stages of undress towering over a woman who seems positively overcome with passion as he bends her down for a kiss (or just to stare at her, whichever). For how commonly this pose is used, I can honestly say I don't think I've read a single romance novel wherein the hero and heroine actually find themselves in this position, so I can't help but wonder why they are always pictured like this on the cover. Has anyone read a story where the hero, being shirtless of course, has dipped the heroine back with one leg in the air and then hovered as though he was going to kiss her?

Is it me or does she look like she's about to sneeze? She seems oddly congested, as though she's suffering from allergies and is about to blow snot all over that tawny skin of his. I almost wish this could be a moving picture so we could see that happen, I don't know that he'll want to be her beloved highlander after he's covered in spittle. She just looks uncomfortable doesn't she? Normally, the hero is the one lifting the heroine's leg up and supporting it, but not this fellow, nope, he's being the opposite of helpful and applying downward force on her knee so she has to strain to keep it in place–look at that calf muscle flexing! No wonder she's going to snot on him. Payback.

CATEGORY: The What Were They Thinking?




Where to start? Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush on this one, I'm just going to dive right in with the fact that there's lightning shooting from his junk. I'm going to gloss over the fact he's wearing strange and very short shorts at the moment and focus on the more disturbing issue–that the cover designer thought it would be a good idea to leave the bolts of lightning positioned as they are as opposed to moving them in any other direction so attention wouldn't immediately be drawn to his business. Now, I haven't read this book, so perhaps this gentleman can in fact shoot divine fire from his crotch and this is therefore a completely accurate cover image. If that's the case, I retract my snark entirely.

In addition to his, um, special ability, he also appears to be a giant given the way he's towering above the trees in the background. Maybe that's the explanation for his absurd shorts. He can't find clothes in his size because he's a lightning-wielding monstrosity of a man and the only thing he could wedge himself and his gifted manhood into were these very tight, very small shorts. Why wouldn't they have cropped him at the waist? That would have solved all the major issues with this image and we wouldn't be giggling or snorting or shooting liquid out our nostrils because we drank something before viewing this cover, we would instead most likely appreciate the man's pecs and be on our way. But no, he had to be shown in all his glory. Electric penis and all.

Happy Friday everyone!

41 comments:

  1. "Maybe she's ticklish and that thumb-in-pit action has whipped her into a frenzy? "
    LOL

    The Dip seems to be the most popular on Romance novel covers. Someone told me it indicates passion(???). I agree - it looks like she's about to sneeze or something.

    Electric penis ?!!! OMG! Jenny, you made my day :D

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  2. This post seriously made me morning so much better!! I can't even begin to point out what I found most exciting ... I was laughing so hard, it wasn't funny anymore (not with my coffee in my mouth...).

    Gosh, what a hilarious post *still giggleing*

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  3. LMAOROFL. All those covers are so wrong especially the electric penis. I wonder who's job it is to approve such covers.

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  4. So I'm glad I read this post because I really needed a hysterical laugh. In fact that was what I was doing as I read your hilarious cover critiques.

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  5. LOLLLL you always have the funniest critiques of these, Jenny!! Love the idea that she's ticklish and that's why she's flailing around like that. And her green hand is positively disturbing...seriously, what's wrong with it???

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  6. Wow, those all look very steamy! LOL great post!

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  7. Just what I needed this gloomy Friday morning! I adore the trashiness of romance covers--they're always so over-the-top. And your snarky reviews of them totally make me giggle. Thanks!

    Mary
    The Book Swarm

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  8. #1: I would be laughing who isn't ticklish in the pits which is where his hands are? Who does the hands above the head thing, someone with better balance than me evidently.

    #2: Again with the dip, someone has to be better at balance than me. Can we talk about his hair though? I can't decide if he has a mullet or just a lot of static electricity.

    #3: Don't even know what to say about the last one---but I think there must be a lack of male shirts in the world.

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  9. Absolutely dying hahahaha what the heck is going on with the breast worship and man on fire? Those are absolutely ridiculous. This feature kills me every time, Jenny :)

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  10. You crack me up ;)

    My retort to his hand in her pit: Maybe his big beautiful beefy hands are so large that to touch her boobs his fingers reach the pit ;) (j/k)

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  11. OMG! Breast worship! You had me laughing from your very first sentence. Thanks a lot Jenny! I am now receiving looks from my co-workers from my on going laughing hysterics and snickering. LOL!

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  12. Bwhahahahhaa. My favorite is the lightening crotch!

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  13. Glad you are all finding these covers as amusing as I am:) Everyone needs a laugh on a Friday!

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  14. LOL-if I saw a man in short shorts shooting lightening from his crotch, I'd run fast the other way. Just saying.

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  15. Again, this was soooo funny! I love this feature. The armpit thing, just looking at it got me ticklish.

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  16. Best line ever? "He can't find clothes in his size because he's a lightning-wielding monstrosity of a man and the only thing he could wedge himself and his gifted manhood into were these very tight, very small shorts."

    Thanks for the laugh Jenny!
    ;)

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  17. The Highlander one is kinda hot. I'd like to be positioned like that with a hot guy.
    Brandi from Blkosiner’s Book Blog

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  18. Holy S- that was hysterical!!

    The Green Hand and Electric Penis..I think you just made my Friday...:)

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  19. Love these posts, they always bring a smile to my face. If you take the guy out I actually like the cover of the last one :) I don't read a lot of regular romance because of the covers, they all seem to make me cringe.

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  20. ROFL. Electric junk...I just don't...I don't even know. XDDDD

    Best. feature. ever.

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  21. Tori - Which just proves how intelligent you are:) I would join you in the running away!

    Midnyte - Me too, I'm crazy ticklish and I would not have been able to stand still if someone's thumb was in my pit.

    Avery - You're welcome!

    Brandi - I wouldn't either, but her face is just makes me giggle.

    Tina - Thank you, I try:)

    Kristina - Without the creepy giant man, I wouldn't mind the lightning on the cover either!

    Liz - Thank you:)

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  22. "He'd just be going along, paying attention to her tits and pits (like any good lover does), then WHAM! her monster hand drops down to stroke his hair and puts that Celtic fire right out. Glorious."

    BEST. LINE. EVER.

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  23. Just want I needed on a blistery, snowy Friday! #2, the gal does look like she wants to sneeze and as for #3..*Shakes head* you said what I was thinking.

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  24. Ash - I think it would be fairly traumatic for him to have that hand come out of nowhere and shock him out of his chest reverie:)

    Rummanah - Yay! Glad you found it amusing on your snowy Friday:) Hope your staying warm!

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  25. Oh thanks so much for the lol!!!

    Maybe the first one was never breast fed and always wanted to be (ahem... youngin's look the other way)? Oh and the last one. Um.. if he has that problem, I'm thinking he needs to go to a doc... or an electrician who also plays a doc on tv or something... Never play with a man with electrical discharge. Oh, you made me bad today!!!! Yep, I'm blaming you and this funny post. ;)

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  26. LOL the third cover is the best with lightning covering the guy's crotch area.

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  27. This post made me laugh so hard. I am really glad this is a series, because they've all been hilarious.

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  28. Hilarious as usual! You're really going to have to make these posts a regular feature, Jenny! My favorite critique is for the first cover-- OMG, she has a mutant hand!! And the third one... I don't know how anyone (especially the design team) could possibly look at that cover and not laugh out loud, especially after reading your perfectly awesome commentary. :D

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  29. NO words, I'm laughing too hard but I can say once I catch my breath I can't wait til next week.

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  30. WTF were they thinking indeed! LOL

    Gawd. If only the old ways of courting were still in vogue.

    And don't ever think of holding back the snark. You are too funny with this feature.

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  31. LMAO! You picked awesome covers to critique this week. Even without your snark, I'd never pick up any of those books based on their cover!

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  32. LOL! What a great way to start the day. Please don't ever stop your cover critiques. :) That second girl does look like she's about to sneeze all over him. Sexy. Good catch on that green goblin hand.

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  33. "He's in middle-sized, clothing-covered boob heaven isn't he?"

    LMAO!!!!!! Ahahahahahhah!


    I love it when you do these cover critiques. They always make me laugh!


    My Blog Hop

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  34. lol. I love it. Electric penis? Probably brings awhole new meaning to seeing fireworks at that climatic moment. :)

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  35. The Celtic Fire description had me laughing so hard I was shaking the bed and woke my husband up. He thought I was crying. I had to read it to him. He didn't find it half as hysterical as I did at 1:30 am. Please don't stop these! Your commentary is much appreciated! I don't know what I found more funny the "Sweet Baby Jesus" about her monster claw, the thumb in the pit tickling her or the receding hair line. Then to top it off the Amazing Electric Penis. They really could have stuck him behind a mountain or something! OKay, I can catch my breath now.

    Thanks for the laughs!!
    H.

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  36. I am officially never going to get over the last cover fail. Wow. Lightning *spunk* huh? Tsk. No woman wants to be zapped to death in the middle of an orgasm. Avoid lightning boy like the plague. *snorts* Jenny, you just keep outdoing yourself - I truly am surprised that I am still standing after your weekly hysterical posts. :)

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  37. Mutant hands! Sexy pit action! Lightning Junk! You've got it all, I've stumbled upon your blog through the Book Blogger Hop. The perfect way to end my day. I remember reading a novella called His Body Electric, about a man who was all, well, electric. That last cover would be perfect, smexy time with him would surely be invigorating.

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  38. Im just glad I hadnt taken a sip of any liquid by the time I saw the 3rd cover, because if I had my computer screen would be dripping wet! LMAO

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  39. Oh my god, I so love these posts. I can't stop giggling

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