Let me preface this post by saying that my design critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.
For those of you who read last week's critique, you know I'm doing a series of critiques where I'm assigning romance covers categories based on the image. Don't ask me why because I don't have an explanation other than I thought it might be amusing. I like to think I'm providing all of you with yet another reason to go to the bookstore (as though we need one)–now you can tell friends, family, and significant others that you're doing "research". You're welcome.
Originally I was going to do three new categories but I found two more covers that suited one of last week's categories so we'll start there!
FIRST CATEGORY: The Absurdly Awkward Pose (again)
Oh For The Love of a Pirate, how I adore you! Can we just talk about the setting for this pose for a moment? I want to know which one of these two individuals decided that the best place to have their romantic tryst would be on the deadly, jagged rocks next to an ocean with swells that at any moment could overtake and drown them. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess it was her, mostly because she has a nice, cushy seat on our pirate's thigh, while he has the unfortunate task of kneeling on pointy stones while trying to support her. I'm thinking he's not altogether happy with her at the moment, and is counting the seconds until he can remove her from his leg and tend to his knees that are no doubt cut and bleeding.
She, of course, is completely oblivious to both the discomfort of her shirtless suitor and the perils of the rocks and sea, clutching him to her throat so passionately he may have to add a bruised or broken nose to the welts on his knees. I think we should make a list of all the things this pirate (though I see no evidence of him actually being a pirate, he could just be topless fellow by the water's edge) is having to endure in the name of a romance cover pose:
1. Bruised, bloody knees as a result of quite possibly the worst location to kneel ever. I just have trouble with this thought process. Here's some super sharp, very uncomfortable rocks, what shall we do while we're on them? Kneel? Brilliant!
2. It seems doubtful he can breathe adequately. Passing out from having his nose shoved in her throat, thereby blocking his airways, might actually come in handy as that way he won't have to worry about his lack of oxygen when the waves hit.
3. No shirt. It gets cold by the water people! Both of them are missing random articles of clothing - he seems to have spontaneously discarded his shirt somewhere on the hike over to the pointiest section of rocks, and she has magically lost her shoes. Spectacular. Since she has no shoes, I'm guessing he had to heft her lavender-draped behind over to their current location. This seduction is just not going his way is it?
And as a final parting note, I just want to point out that she also seems to be missing her right leg. Where has it gone? Is it back with her shoes? One would think it would be visible in the empty area between his legs or on his other side, but you'd be wrong apparently. Wrong! Maybe that's why he had to carry her? Because she couldn't hobble over the rocks on her one shoeless foot? I love shirtless pseudo-pirates and their one-legged blondes, don't you? *Dreamy sigh*
What, exactly, is going on here? It looks like our renaissance lass knows a thing or two about a striptease and is working the sensual rubbing angle to the best of her clothed ability, but there's just something strange about this pose. I can't imagine he finds supporting her by the armpits and staring at the top of her head arousing, but maybe that's his thing. They actually both seem to be asleep don't they? Oh, maybe the Crimson Lady is a narcoleptic! That would change this pose entirely wouldn't it? Now she's not sliding down his body in a seductive manner, but rather she's falling as a result of one of her spells and he's had to catch her. Except he seems to be suffering from narcolepsy too. This is not a good situation my friends. Perhaps the soft breeze blowing both of their thick manes has lulled them to sleep?
I can't imagine she's all that comfortable, it's almost like a gym exercise she's doing here with the squatting and her arms up over her head. Maybe he's her shirtless, sword-wielding trainer? This cover has a plethora of possible scenarios! Who else has a story for this pose?
SECOND CATEGORY: The Extraordinarily Fluffy and/or
Huh. Does any one have an explanation for her hair? If there is some sort of breeze (or a fan) blowing her hair in that direction, shouldn't his hair be affected as well? Instead, his dark locks are motionless while she looks like she's going to get sucked backward with great force if he lets go of her. I can't stop staring at it. It's just so orange! And there's so much of it, my eyes can't tear themselves away from all the windswept craziness.
Now, some of you may notice that this book is in the same "Notorious Gentlemen" series as last week's infamous pit-sniffer, so while I'm sure Ms. Enoch's stories are fabulous given that she's a NYT bestselling author, I have to tip my designer hat to whoever is responsible for these covers because they are ones that at first glance seem okay, but then the more you stare, the more off they become. Perhaps this gentleman is notorious for bedding woman with only the bushiest (and brightly colored) of windblown tresses, and he and his armpit-smelling friend like to compare notes on their, um, quirks. I think I would prefer a man to want me for my ridiculous hair than the fragrance of my underarms, so this guy is a giant step ahead of his friend in my book.
Next week will be my last of the cover category posts (not the last cover critique ever), and I promise to have some new and hilarious ones for you! Happy Friday!