Cover Critique: Romance Cover Categories Part 1

Let me preface this post by saying that my design critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

This week's cover critique is going to be a little different. In my search for more deliciously ridiculous covers, I came across so many interesting romance books that I thought it might be fun to assign them categories of my own making based on the image used. My hope is that whenever you see a romance cover in the bookstore, you'll think "Hm. What category would Jenny place this in?" Or even better, perhaps you'll think of your own category and we can continue this particular cover critique segment each month or so. That would be fun, so be on the lookout people!

FIRST CATEGORY: The Absurdly Awkward Pose



Okay. I just want to start with a question. It's personal in nature, so I apologize. Has anyone ever assumed this position in the throes of passion? No? Really? You've never taken your man's puffy shirt halfway off, attempted to claw his abdomen while falling over in your billowing white dress? That's never happened? Shocking.

Why is she doing such a strange half-squat? I'm guessing she's so overwhelmed by his masculine beauty that her knees have given out and she's headed south for a meeting with the ground. She seems to be in a state of distress with her talons out and her eyes clamped shut, but he appears nice and calm, as though this is a common occurrence in his world. Maybe women with a ridiculous number of flowers in their hair (really, how many random flowers does one need in their wavy locks?) wearing diaphanous white gowns in the great outdoors always literally topple over on him, ripping his shirt from his body in the process. It could happen every day to him.

Don't worry my flower-encrusted maiden, he'll catch you. He's got a death grip on your wrist, but inexplicably doesn't have a left arm, so maybe you should be a bit worried that he's going to drop you after all. Shouldn't his other arm be around her back? Isn't that how this pose is supposed to work? Apparently that's not how this romance hero rolls. Nope, he's going to touch her in as few places as possible because, really, who cares if she's going to keel over and face plant without assistance from him. Magnificent.


SECOND CATEGORY: The Prop



This category will always feature a male model (most likely shirtless) with some sort of phallic-shaped prop to emphasize his masculinity should the naked chest and rippling muscles not be enough to prevent his manhood from being called into question. Just in case his long hair blowing smoothly in the breeze gives us pause, he's been equipped with a blade which he holds in a firm grip, a reminder of what else could potentially be that long, wide, and firmly gripped.

You're all staring at his crotch trying to determine if he could possibly match his blade in size aren't you? It's hard not to stare really, as the flesh tone of his hand against the dark pants automatically draws our eye to that general area, and then we look at his prop and find our minds down and dirty in the gutter. I love how, should we be unimpressed with the size of his blade (it's not a sword after all), he's also holding a flag with a nice, long staff. Well done photo shoot prop masters, well done. Now his goods can never be questioned. His reputation is intact and certainly precedes him, so I think it's safe to say we all expect big things from him in this book.


THIRD CATEGORY: The ?



This is a cover that fits none of the categories I established, so it gets to be in a category all it's own–one that defies explanation and logic. Let's just think about the title in conjunction with this image shall we? "After the Kiss" it says. After the kiss what? After the kiss he'll smell her armpit? That's super sexy! Nothing like having a man take your mouth and leave you breathless, only to drop to one knee after, spin you around so your back is facing him, shove his nose right in your pit and take a deep breath. Glorious!

This cover image completely flummoxes me. I don't understand why he's so fascinated by her underarm and why it seems to be bringing him such bliss. She appears to be craning her neck to check out just what exactly is happening back there, probably wondering when she bought a deodorant that doubled as an aphrodisiac and making a note to self not to wear it again while in his presence.

I have to say if this is a habit or kink of his, he certainly will be notorious but the gentleman half of that title is pushing it a bit. I don't know any gentlemen that get to know a woman by sniffing her pits, but maybe I just don't know the right kind of men, so that's on me I guess. Poor girl. She seems like she's going to have a disappointing evening. What's next, he's going to stare longingly up her nose, lovingly counting her nose hairs? Maybe that will be the sequel, and I won't lie to you, I would be interested in seeing it:)

I'll be back next Friday with three more categories for your viewing enjoyment. Have a great weekend everyone!