Cover Critique: Romance Cover Categories Part 3

Let me preface this post by saying that my design critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

Alright everyone, originally this was going to be the last week of the romance cover categories, but I've found too many good covers so I'm going to extend this series for just one more week. Until I find even more. Then I'll have to share because, really, these are too much fun to keep to myself. If you happened to miss the last two weeks, you can find them here and here. Hope you enjoy everyone!

CATEGORY: The Chest Appreciation




Ah, yes. The breast worship. What's sexier than that? Nothing I tell you! Look at him. He's in middle-sized, clothing-covered boob heaven isn't he? I don't think anyone has ever been as pleased to run their face through fabric as this bare-chested gentleman, he's down on one knee paying homage to this woman's shirt like it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to him. Maybe it's silk?

Since we've had a bit of an armpit theme these last few weeks, I just want to point out the location of his right hand. In her pit. What is going on with these romance heroes? I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's trying to be respectful by not grabbing her breasts like a heathen (instead, he'll just breath on them and weirdly rub his face up against them–not sure that's any better Mr. Celtic Fire) so his hand is safely off to the side, however that leaves his thumb directly in her armpit. Why romance covers, why?

Now that I've drawn attention to the armpit situation, I would like to discuss just what is happening with this woman. She is flailing those arms about like it's nobody's business, swinging them above her head with impressive abandon. Maybe she's ticklish and that thumb-in-pit action has whipped her into a frenzy? And everyone take a quick look at her right hand up above the "A" in Nash. Sweet baby Jesus. What is wrong with it? Why does she have a mutant green hand? Are her extremities rotting? Does she morph into a troll or zombie when aroused? That would be a heck of a twist wouldn't it. Our boob-loving hero wouldn't see that coming would he? He'd just be going along, paying attention to her tits and pits (like any good lover does), then WHAM! her monster hand drops down to stroke his hair and puts that Celtic fire right out. Glorious.

One last thing on this cover: her hair. I have no words for it. She's got a poof and what looks like a receding hairline on the side there but I think it's just a play of the light. Love it. Good thing his eyes are closed so he doesn't have to see the brilliance of it, because as soon as he opens those bad boys and takes a gander at that hair along with her Frankenstein hand, I don't think even his obsession with her chest will be enough to keep him interested.

CATEGORY: The Dip




This is probably the most famous of classic romance cover poses. Always a man in various stages of undress towering over a woman who seems positively overcome with passion as he bends her down for a kiss (or just to stare at her, whichever). For how commonly this pose is used, I can honestly say I don't think I've read a single romance novel wherein the hero and heroine actually find themselves in this position, so I can't help but wonder why they are always pictured like this on the cover. Has anyone read a story where the hero, being shirtless of course, has dipped the heroine back with one leg in the air and then hovered as though he was going to kiss her?

Is it me or does she look like she's about to sneeze? She seems oddly congested, as though she's suffering from allergies and is about to blow snot all over that tawny skin of his. I almost wish this could be a moving picture so we could see that happen, I don't know that he'll want to be her beloved highlander after he's covered in spittle. She just looks uncomfortable doesn't she? Normally, the hero is the one lifting the heroine's leg up and supporting it, but not this fellow, nope, he's being the opposite of helpful and applying downward force on her knee so she has to strain to keep it in place–look at that calf muscle flexing! No wonder she's going to snot on him. Payback.

CATEGORY: The What Were They Thinking?




Where to start? Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush on this one, I'm just going to dive right in with the fact that there's lightning shooting from his junk. I'm going to gloss over the fact he's wearing strange and very short shorts at the moment and focus on the more disturbing issue–that the cover designer thought it would be a good idea to leave the bolts of lightning positioned as they are as opposed to moving them in any other direction so attention wouldn't immediately be drawn to his business. Now, I haven't read this book, so perhaps this gentleman can in fact shoot divine fire from his crotch and this is therefore a completely accurate cover image. If that's the case, I retract my snark entirely.

In addition to his, um, special ability, he also appears to be a giant given the way he's towering above the trees in the background. Maybe that's the explanation for his absurd shorts. He can't find clothes in his size because he's a lightning-wielding monstrosity of a man and the only thing he could wedge himself and his gifted manhood into were these very tight, very small shorts. Why wouldn't they have cropped him at the waist? That would have solved all the major issues with this image and we wouldn't be giggling or snorting or shooting liquid out our nostrils because we drank something before viewing this cover, we would instead most likely appreciate the man's pecs and be on our way. But no, he had to be shown in all his glory. Electric penis and all.

Happy Friday everyone!

Cover Critique: Romance Cover Categories Part 2

Let me preface this post by saying that my design critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

For those of you who read last week's critique, you know I'm doing a series of critiques where I'm assigning romance covers categories based on the image. Don't ask me why because I don't have an explanation other than I thought it might be amusing. I like to think I'm providing all of you with yet another reason to go to the bookstore (as though we need one)–now you can tell friends, family, and significant others that you're doing "research". You're welcome.

Originally I was going to do three new categories but I found two more covers that suited one of last week's categories so we'll start there!

FIRST CATEGORY: The Absurdly Awkward Pose (again)




Oh For The Love of a Pirate, how I adore you! Can we just talk about the setting for this pose for a moment? I want to know which one of these two individuals decided that the best place to have their romantic tryst would be on the deadly, jagged rocks next to an ocean with swells that at any moment could overtake and drown them. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess it was her, mostly because she has a nice, cushy seat on our pirate's thigh, while he has the unfortunate task of kneeling on pointy stones while trying to support her. I'm thinking he's not altogether happy with her at the moment, and is counting the seconds until he can remove her from his leg and tend to his knees that are no doubt cut and bleeding.

She, of course, is completely oblivious to both the discomfort of her shirtless suitor and the perils of the rocks and sea, clutching him to her throat so passionately he may have to add a bruised or broken nose to the welts on his knees. I think we should make a list of all the things this pirate (though I see no evidence of him actually being a pirate, he could just be topless fellow by the water's edge) is having to endure in the name of a romance cover pose:

1. Bruised, bloody knees as a result of quite possibly the worst location to kneel ever. I just have trouble with this thought process. Here's some super sharp, very uncomfortable rocks, what shall we do while we're on them? Kneel? Brilliant!

2. It seems doubtful he can breathe adequately. Passing out from having his nose shoved in her throat, thereby blocking his airways, might actually come in handy as that way he won't have to worry about his lack of oxygen when the waves hit.

3. No shirt. It gets cold by the water people! Both of them are missing random articles of clothing - he seems to have spontaneously discarded his shirt somewhere on the hike over to the pointiest section of rocks, and she has magically lost her shoes. Spectacular. Since she has no shoes, I'm guessing he had to heft her lavender-draped behind over to their current location. This seduction is just not going his way is it?

And as a final parting note, I just want to point out that she also seems to be missing her right leg. Where has it gone? Is it back with her shoes? One would think it would be visible in the empty area between his legs or on his other side, but you'd be wrong apparently. Wrong! Maybe that's why he had to carry her? Because she couldn't hobble over the rocks on her one shoeless foot? I love shirtless pseudo-pirates and their one-legged blondes, don't you? *Dreamy sigh*




What, exactly, is going on here? It looks like our renaissance lass knows a thing or two about a striptease and is working the sensual rubbing angle to the best of her clothed ability, but there's just something strange about this pose. I can't imagine he finds supporting her by the armpits and staring at the top of her head arousing, but maybe that's his thing. They actually both seem to be asleep don't they? Oh, maybe the Crimson Lady is a narcoleptic! That would change this pose entirely wouldn't it? Now she's not sliding down his body in a seductive manner, but rather she's falling as a result of one of her spells and he's had to catch her. Except he seems to be suffering from narcolepsy too. This is not a good situation my friends. Perhaps the soft breeze blowing both of their thick manes has lulled them to sleep?

I can't imagine she's all that comfortable, it's almost like a gym exercise she's doing here with the squatting and her arms up over her head. Maybe he's her shirtless, sword-wielding trainer? This cover has a plethora of possible scenarios! Who else has a story for this pose?


SECOND CATEGORY: The Extraordinarily Fluffy and/or
Feathery Hair




Huh. Does any one have an explanation for her hair? If there is some sort of breeze (or a fan) blowing her hair in that direction, shouldn't his hair be affected as well? Instead, his dark locks are motionless while she looks like she's going to get sucked backward with great force if he lets go of her. I can't stop staring at it. It's just so orange! And there's so much of it, my eyes can't tear themselves away from all the windswept craziness.

Now, some of you may notice that this book is in the same "Notorious Gentlemen" series as last week's infamous pit-sniffer, so while I'm sure Ms. Enoch's stories are fabulous given that she's a NYT bestselling author, I have to tip my designer hat to whoever is responsible for these covers because they are ones that at first glance seem okay, but then the more you stare, the more off they become. Perhaps this gentleman is notorious for bedding woman with only the bushiest (and brightly colored) of windblown tresses, and he and his armpit-smelling friend like to compare notes on their, um, quirks. I think I would prefer a man to want me for my ridiculous hair than the fragrance of my underarms, so this guy is a giant step ahead of his friend in my book.

Next week will be my last of the cover category posts (not the last cover critique ever), and I promise to have some new and hilarious ones for you! Happy Friday!