Friday, April 29, 2011

Cover Critique: Ellora's Cave Special Part 2

For those of you who missed last week's critique, I'm doing a special three week feature on the covers of Ellora's Cave (read part 1 HERE), a publisher whose website made me pretty much happier than I've ever been in my entire life. Now, as always, my critiques are meant in good fun and are no reflection on the quality of the writing, I'm only here to point out a few aspects of these astoundingly magnificent covers to bring you all a little chuckle on a Friday!

Please note some of today's covers feature a lot of skin, so you may not want to view them at work and should perhaps wait until you get home so you can fully enjoy the absurdity.

First: SEDUCER


Run! Run you hairless piece of naked manflesh, run! Run like you're more certain of where you're headed than you currently appear to be!

Oh wait. Maybe we should backtrack a little before we encourage him to continue streaking. First, I have a couple of questions I'd like to pose:

1. The obvious - why is he naked?
2. Just where does he think he's going (un)dressed like that?
3. When he gets there, which of his, um, weapons will he be putting to good use?

I have to wonder based on the title if this is in fact his method of seduction–running at people butt-arse naked while brandishing a futuristic gun. I don't know about you, but this would not be the way to coax me into bed. I guess I'm a bit prudish like that. Can you imagine a man running full tilt toward you with his goods swinging freely in the breeze knowing he expects you to be awed by the sight enough that you will magically fall on your back and let him have his way? Um, no, my glistening orange friend, you are going about this all wrong. I feel it's my responsibility as a woman to offer him a few pointers since he is so tragically veering off an acceptable course of courtship.

Step 1: Please wear clothes. Clothes are good. Clothes are your friend. If you physically cannot deal with being fully clothed, please at least think about some pants. We don't need see your manhood acting as a divining rod pointing and showing us just how much you enjoy our company. Let's have that bad boy be an ace up your sleeve and save it so we're surprised later shall we? Great.

Step 2: Maybe consider toning the musculature down a bit. We women like a nice, toned physique, but you seem to be a bit...lumpy. Makes us think you could be overcompensating.

Step 3: It's best not to charge at women with weapons in hand. That goes for any type of weapon, so please reference step one again.

Second: NO CHOICE BUT LOVE


Who's a pissed off fairy? This guy. He looks like he absolutely cannot believe he got stuck with such girly wings and has been reduced to a romance cover model. Here's what I picture running through his head at this moment:

Are you staring at my wings? I hate them. And I hate you for looking at them. This is quite possibly the worst thing that could have happened to me. Do you see them? Do you see what's attached to my back? And have you seen my hair? Ridiculous. Look at me again and I'll coat you with fairy dust from my super special wings. See you how you like that. I hate you all.

I feel like this poor guy would like to have some choices other than love in his life. Like maybe the choice to not have these absurd butterfly wings. That look in his eye definitely says he would choose anything other than love if it meant he wouldn't be stuck with sparkly wings on a lavender and purple cover. Well, sir, as bad as your situation seems at least you have pants on, so that's something right?

Third: SAVING LADY ILSA


What are we saving Lady Ilsa from? Nipple exposure? What an important mission we've been assigned! Go us. I suggest if we're trying to keep her from indecency someone should tell her to get a shirt rather than wandering about copping a feel of her own chest. Honestly, Ilsa, no one needs to see your freakishly round lady lumps.

I'm slightly confused as to what is happening with this little tableau. Are the three naked people haunting this house? Does Lady Ilsa live in said haunted mansion and need rescuing from this trio of nudists? It's such a beautiful, stately manor, but the enormous topless individuals give me pause–they're such a disturbing (and dirty) contrast to the perfection of the house and grounds. Clearly, since they're naked and there's three of them, there are some adventurous sexual practices going on. Is this where the saving comes in? Lady Ilsa is tired of having her gorgeous home overrun by a ghostly fornicating threesome? Can't really blame her now can we? Nothing worse than having a bare ghost bum (or three) on your fine upholstery I always say. Think of all the...ectoplasm. Poor Ilsa, that won't ever come out.

Have a great weekend everyone, and be sure and drop by next Friday for the Ellora's Cave finale!

48 comments:

  1. I'm so glad I viewed this at home because I'm sure someone in my office would come over to my desk the moment I clicked on this blog post. LOL! Oh boy, where to start? The first one look like an adult oompah loopah. Why would anyone carry and run with a gun naked? That's just calling trouble. Number two...*shakes head* I thought he looked like a sad butterfly. I wouldn't have guessed fairy. Number three..the guys don't look that interested in Lisa, hence the self cupping. I can't wait for the finale, Jenny! Have a great weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh my God, I almost want to read these to see if they are as wonderful as their covers lol!

    And I HAVE to comment on pointer number one up there with the first cover (somewhat long story coming)...you would not THINK men need instructions on the pants thing but I am here to tell you oh yes indeedy they do.
    I met a man at work a month or so ago, attractive, mid-thirties, owns his own business...seemed great! He asked me for my number and I thought what the heck, why not.
    We spoke on the phone that evening and texted several times the next day. He does home renovations and sent me a couple of pics of homes he had worked on.

    Apparently the words, "Oh that's a lovely home," translate in guyspeak to "send me a picture of your dangly bits."

    Moral of the story...yes Jenny...get the message out there...Please wear clothes boys!!!!

    (And in case you're wondering, no, I didn't continue to talk to him!!)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Library - I love these covers:)

    Rummanah - Yes, this week's covers are not so much work appropriate:) And he does greatly resemble an oompa loompa which makes him all the more awesome:)

    Angelique - LOL!!! I think pretty much any words directed at men get translated into "I want to see your dangly bits". I could be like "I want a glass of orange juice" and I'm sure some guy would strip down to nothing hoping "orange juice" was somehow code for something else. Your story = full of WIN:)

    ReplyDelete
  4. OMG love the last one on roaming the house naked.Thanks Jenny

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh God! You're awesome, Jenny! :)
    The naked man with a gun in his hand is hilarious!
    And Lady Ilsa doesn't seem very ladylike to me.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I didn't think you could out do number one, but two is hilarious. Poor mad fairy guy, he must not have drank his nectar as a kid to have been so slighted on the wing span. I am wondering if the size of the wings has anything to do with the size of his manhood (fairyhood?), that would definitely put a scowl on his face since he has to run around letting everyone see how small everything is.

    ReplyDelete
  7. ROFL. The first guy isn't leaving much for people's imagination running around naked! And the guy with wings is just a scary image.

    Jenny you have out done your self this week with funny covers!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Julie - You're welcome:)

    Misha - The running naked man is my favorite. It just makes me go "why?" And if our topless blond is in fact Lady Ilsa, then no, she's not so ladylike at all:)

    Jan - Ha! Fairyhood:) Don't you love his face? It's classic.

    Jennifer - Aren't they? He's so upset about it, I love it.

    Nic - No, no he's not. I think leaving a little (ha!) something to the imagination is a good thing:)

    ReplyDelete
  9. OMG some of these are truly absurd. Seriously! The guy with wings? That is just too much. You had me laughing out loud again. Who in their right mind comes up with these?!? I love your cover critiques. I can always count you to crack me up!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dying.....just dying. That first guy - whoa.....whoa. And the Lady Lisa thing? I have no clue what that is about at all.
    And yes, that poor guy having to wear lame wings. I hope he at least got paid well - he does look so sad.

    ReplyDelete
  11. The first one is I believe part of a series and if I recall correctly - I completely refuse to go look to see if it's still there - it's called Punisher and the guy on the cover is also naked but the difference is that he's silver or gray.

    That's just from my memory..and yes, I did read them. They were sort of good too. I like Aubrey Ross. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. The Seducer guy looks like he has to go through life wearing the equivalent of swim wings. His ability to reach across his own chest must be nil. Let's just hope he never breaks an arm or that would make things really awkward.
    Also, I would imagine that Fairy guy is not only pissed that he got stuck with girly wings, but that they're completely useless. No way could they lift him off the ground!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ohhh tummy hurting!!

    Those butterfly wings are terrible and they look like he borrowed them from tinkerbell or something! And if you look close at the first one there is a stream of white line foggy stuff coming out of his man area..(yuck)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Christina - Glad they made you laugh, I know I choked on my soda when I saw them:)

    Karen - I have no explanation for cover 3, anything I come up with just doesn't make sense. I'll have to look up the blurb to see if that sheds some light:)

    Barbara - Now I really want to go look up Punisher. In fact, that's where I'm headed right now. Must. See. And I'm sure the writing is fabulous, some of my favorite authors have Ellora's Cave titles, they just have unfortunate covers.

    Ruby - He most definitely can not touch his hands together across his chest without hurting something. Awesome.

    Tina - You're so right! I didn't notice that strange crotch fog - now this cover is even better:)

    ReplyDelete
  15. OMG, these covers and your comments are hilarious. That guy on the second cover, what's wrong with him? He looks like he did something naughty and want to get spanked. lol. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  16. "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." Mark Twain.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I love this! I always laugh so hard! The first one is the funniest just because he's naked, running, and with a gun no less!

    Whenever you do this it reminds me of all the absolutely crazy and absurd title I've seen for books, especially on Goodreads First Reads, lol. They are funny!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Nina - Ha! He does have that kind of face doesn't he?

    Bookwurrm - So true:)

    Jacinda - Thanks! I have fun writing these posts and hunting for covers. Sometimes what I find makes my week:)

    ReplyDelete
  19. LOL! Ok nekkid man with gun, just run along. Perhaps you will meet guy with fairy wings

    ReplyDelete
  20. "Can you imagine a man running full tilt toward you with his goods swinging freely in the breeze" LOL! That thought is quite hilarious. He'd be much more likely to get me laughing at him than lusting for him. :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. My reaction when I saw the first cover: Holy Smack He's Naked!!! Actually if I did see a naked man holding gun I would probably run the other way.

    ReplyDelete
  22. As soon as I saw the fairy one I was like "OMG! What the hell is that?" That is not a faerie! Where do they come up with these covers! On another note, if my husband saw a naked man in the street with a gun, he be thinking, I"ts The Terminator!" He is big a fan of the movie :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Blodeuedd - I just want to know where he's off to in such a hurry that he couldn't bother to put on clothes:)

    Ash - It's such a disturbing visual isn't it? I would definitely be laughing as well, how could you not?

    Jenny - It's kind of shocking when you first see it - like "whoa, naked". But then it just makes me giggle:)

    Savy - Ooooo Terminator. I never thought of that. That could explain the nakedness and the running:)

    ReplyDelete
  24. OMG Jenny why do you do this to me!!! I can't stop laughing when I look at the covers because I can just imagine you ripping them to shreds. The guy with the wings? Bahahahaha!!! Where the hell do you find these covers from. Hilarious as always. I LOVE this feature, keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
  25. BWA HA HA HA HA HA! No, you must continue with the Ellora's Cave covers! Priceless! XD

    ReplyDelete
  26. ARE THESE COVERS JOKES? Seriously, who in their right mind thinks that it is a good idea to make these covers?

    PS. Jenny, you totally forgot to make a wisecrack about the first novel, the ghost girls mouth being really close to the guys junk... ;)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Thanks for another delicious laugh. I just hooted at these and your wonderful commentary.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Aly - Because it's hilarious, and if my stomach is cramping from laughing, I want to inflict that same pain on others;)

    Melissa - There will definitely be more from Ellora's Cave moving forward, that website is a gold mine:)

    Avery - Nope. For serious:) I totally did miss the mouth to junk proximity in the first one, I was all distracted by his orange nakedness!

    Tahlia - You're welcome!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Finally! Someone who actually puts words (funnier than my WTHeck?) to odd, odd covers. Thanks for the smile!

    ReplyDelete
  30. These are just to (thinking of the word) wonderfully full of ways to enjoy. Take for instance "streaking man"--I could almost forgive his nudity if it wasn't obvious that a) he has a mullet and b) he goes naked often because boy does not have a tan line to speak of. Really it is the gun that scares me LOL Now, Butterfly Boy--looks like he is in a perpetual bad mood. Did he fall out of the sky and his wings didn't work? The last one---you have two men there and you have to hold your own breasts? Something is just not right about that LOL

    ReplyDelete
  31. "Think of all the...ectoplasm." LMAO!! You are so talented at the innuendos, It's like a mad skill you've honed. These just never get old. And I really am truly wondering what on Earth the publisher was thinking with that second one. That cover is so...odd. What's with the super girly butterfly wings on the Fabio guy? And the top guy looks like all he needs is a BBQ because he's been marinated in some type of glaze. Love IT!

    Jen
    In the Closet With a Bibliophile

    ReplyDelete
  32. *Does Lady Ilsa live in said haunted mansion and need rescuing from this trio of nudists?* Oh, wow, my sis is always telling me that it's uncool to use 'lol', but LOL! I love these critiques so much! The fairy guy one is possibly the most bizarre cover here-- NOT the most bizarre cover you've ever featured by a long shot, but I laughed out loud seeing it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. Oh my dear god! If that hairless naked man thing came at me I'd be forced to castrate him immediately!!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Blahhahahahaha that first one truly killed me 100%. Oh, how I've missed your wit, Jenny :)

    ReplyDelete
  35. Funniest thing I've read in ages. Do you write erotica perhaps, Jenny? Because humor happens to be one of my fave genres, if you wanna give it a shot. :) Can't wait for the finale!

    Kelli Collins
    Editor-in-Chief
    Ellora's Cave Publishing

    ReplyDelete
  36. LOL!! I think our sci-fi Academy Award man come to life should take a sprint over to Ilsa's and save her from those unseemly ghosts. I'm sure he can distract them with whatever weapon he chooses to brandish.

    There's just no hope for fairy boy. :(

    ReplyDelete
  37. Brandy - You're welcome:)

    Felicia - Poor Ilsa is most certainly doing more work than she should have to when she's flanked by two naked men. Just saying:)

    Jen - Thank you, thank you, I do try;)

    Kat - I just don't understand why they're all transparent and naked, so I had to come up with a few potential ideas.

    Ashley - Right? I'm not sure what I would do if he was running at me, all I know is it would be nearly impossible not to stare:)

    Melissa - Yay, you're back! Glad I could make you giggle:)

    Kelli - Ha! I wish, but sadly I lack the creativity to write anything more than a short blog post based on someone else's work! I much prefer the reading to the writing:) Thank you so much for leaving a comment on the post and for taking my humor in the fun spirit in which it was intended! Hope you enjoy next week's finale;)

    Small - I like the way you think. Since he's naked as well, he would fit right in at Ilsa's:)

    ReplyDelete
  38. LMAO, what is up with Ellora's Cave covers?! I really pity the model on No Choice But Love. He looks manly but those wings just wrecked all the work he put into his physique.

    ReplyDelete
  39. OMG Jenny all I have to say is THANK YOU. This post has absolutely made me LOL and it's just what I needed. WELL DONE ahahahahahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  40. LOL! Omg. Are these covers getting worse of what? For the first one I definitely want to know why he's carrying a gun and naked. I'm sure who ever tries to stop with the gun will laugh their heads up.

    What is up with those butterfly wings? That cover is just plain weird. lol I definitely cracked up at Lady. Love your hilarious comments as usual :D

    ReplyDelete
  41. How did I miss this? I'm a fan of showing a bit of flesh but this is unbareable! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  42. Note to self. Don't visit Jenny's blog when you're dreadfully sick. Her snarky, hilarious posts may just induce a coughing fit that won't end. Ok, ok.... now that I've gotten that out little TMI post out of the way...

    ... Hairless piece of naked manflesh? I think we could also add hairless, piece of naked, greasy/oily manflesh to that title. 'Tis just unnatural to be that shiny dont' you think? Unless you're a fairy...

    Which brings me to cover number two. Tsk. Those must be the girliest pair of wings I've ever seen on a man. On the plus side, at least he's not covered in that horrendous shiny sheen that cover 1's model is sporting. Still, I'm sure he's hiding in his flat after seeing that grace the covers. :D

    Love, love, love these posts of yours Jenny! They make me shriek with laughter. :D
    P.S. When is your fabulous Dad making another guest appearance?

    ReplyDelete
  43. OMG you crack me up! Where is he going buck a$$ naked?

    ReplyDelete
  44. Make this an additional unique New Year's Eve
    as you ring with your cherished one. Or else, the spirits inform me
    you will live a long and dull lifestyle. There are actually 1000's of
    various decks of tarot cards.

    my website online Psychic Reading

    ReplyDelete