For those of you who missed last week's critique, I'm doing a special three week feature on the covers of Ellora's Cave (read part 1 HERE), a publisher whose website made me pretty much happier than I've ever been in my entire life. Now, as always, my critiques are meant in good fun and are no reflection on the quality of the writing, I'm only here to point out a few aspects of these astoundingly magnificent covers to bring you all a little chuckle on a Friday!
Please note some of today's covers feature a lot of skin, so you may not want to view them at work and should perhaps wait until you get home so you can fully enjoy the absurdity.
Run! Run you hairless piece of naked manflesh, run! Run like you're more certain of where you're headed than you currently appear to be!
Oh wait. Maybe we should backtrack a little before we encourage him to continue streaking. First, I have a couple of questions I'd like to pose:
1. The obvious - why is he naked?
2. Just where does he think he's going (un)dressed like that?
3. When he gets there, which of his, um, weapons will he be putting to good use?
I have to wonder based on the title if this is in fact his method of seduction–running at people butt-arse naked while brandishing a futuristic gun. I don't know about you, but this would not be the way to coax me into bed. I guess I'm a bit prudish like that. Can you imagine a man running full tilt toward you with his goods swinging freely in the breeze knowing he expects you to be awed by the sight enough that you will magically fall on your back and let him have his way? Um, no, my glistening orange friend, you are going about this all wrong. I feel it's my responsibility as a woman to offer him a few pointers since he is so tragically veering off an acceptable course of courtship.
Step 1: Please wear clothes. Clothes are good. Clothes are your friend. If you physically cannot deal with being fully clothed, please at least think about some pants. We don't need see your manhood acting as a divining rod pointing and showing us just how much you enjoy our company. Let's have that bad boy be an ace up your sleeve and save it so we're surprised later shall we? Great.
Step 2: Maybe consider toning the musculature down a bit. We women like a nice, toned physique, but you seem to be a bit...lumpy. Makes us think you could be overcompensating.
Step 3: It's best not to charge at women with weapons in hand. That goes for any type of weapon, so please reference step one again.
Second: NO CHOICE BUT LOVE
Who's a pissed off fairy? This guy. He looks like he absolutely cannot believe he got stuck with such girly wings and has been reduced to a romance cover model. Here's what I picture running through his head at this moment:
Are you staring at my wings? I hate them. And I hate you for looking at them. This is quite possibly the worst thing that could have happened to me. Do you see them? Do you see what's attached to my back? And have you seen my hair? Ridiculous. Look at me again and I'll coat you with fairy dust from my super special wings. See you how you like that. I hate you all.
I feel like this poor guy would like to have some choices other than love in his life. Like maybe the choice to not have these absurd butterfly wings. That look in his eye definitely says he would choose anything other than love if it meant he wouldn't be stuck with sparkly wings on a lavender and purple cover. Well, sir, as bad as your situation seems at least you have pants on, so that's something right?
Third: SAVING LADY ILSA
What are we saving Lady Ilsa from? Nipple exposure? What an important mission we've been assigned! Go us. I suggest if we're trying to keep her from indecency someone should tell her to get a shirt rather than wandering about copping a feel of her own chest. Honestly, Ilsa, no one needs to see your freakishly round lady lumps.
I'm slightly confused as to what is happening with this little tableau. Are the three naked people haunting this house? Does Lady Ilsa live in said haunted mansion and need rescuing from this trio of nudists? It's such a beautiful, stately manor, but the enormous topless individuals give me pause–they're such a disturbing (and dirty) contrast to the perfection of the house and grounds. Clearly, since they're naked and there's three of them, there are some adventurous sexual practices going on. Is this where the saving comes in? Lady Ilsa is tired of having her gorgeous home overrun by a ghostly fornicating threesome? Can't really blame her now can we? Nothing worse than having a bare ghost bum (or three) on your fine upholstery I always say. Think of all the...ectoplasm. Poor Ilsa, that won't ever come out.
Have a great weekend everyone, and be sure and drop by next Friday for the Ellora's Cave finale!