Friday, December 30, 2011
Cover Critique: Best Afternoon Ever
So. Much. To. Talk. About. I don't even know where to start. Oh wait, yes I do. Let's start with that hairless, shirtless delicious treat digitally added to our picnic landscape, because really, he's entirely and fabulously ridiculous isn't he? I think we should all take a minute to do some visualization exercises to help us truly appreciate Blue Apples (we'll address this title later) for everything it is. Here we go.
Let's imagine we're walking through the park on a glorious spring day, enjoying the fresh air and reveling in the feel of the warm sun on our faces. The grass is green, the sky is blue, and we're outside instead of cooped up in the house or at work. Then, as we round a corner on our walking path the above sight greets us. BAM! Naked chest. WHAP! Weirdly slick (sweaty? overly moisturized?) skin. POW! Complete lack of facial expression so we have no idea what's going on inside that head. Is he happy to see us? Are we the ones he's planned this bizarre tableau for? With that bland look and the fact that the picnic basket is blocking our other indicator, it's kind of hard to tell just where he's going with this. Who's traumatized? No one yet? Well, that's perhaps because we have yet to focus our attention on that strip of black fabric at his crotch. I see that and this image pops in my mind:
And I just went blind for a second. Awesome. I can say with one hundred percent certainty that I don't want black spandex-covered junk anywhere near my food Mr. Apples, so let's come more appropriately dressed for dining next time please. Nothing like eating fruit and drinking champagne .5 inches away from a one-eyed snake testing the limits of stretchiness and making a valid attempt to come out and visit. Horrible mental image. *shudders* We clearly need to move on.
I think my favorite part of this cover is the strange combination of mismatched elements and the rather alarming proportional issues present in this photoshop collage o' brilliance. Look at that picnic basket! It's the size of his entire upper body. It's probably a good thing he has so many muscles and can heft it around because I'm not sure my puny arms could manage. Also, the grass surrounding the fruit doesn't at all match the grass behind our bare chested picnic-lover, so it seems he's managed to find himself a place to dine on some sort of dividing line between turf species. Well done, Apples! He deserves a pat on the back for finding such an environmental anomaly, though I feel like if we touched his skin we might stick to it, so probably best to wait until we've finished eating before attempting contact.
Lastly, I don't think I can end this post without mentioning the title. Blue Apples. Really? Is this a blue balls reference? I know my mind is frequently deeper in the gutter than most, but I don't see another way to interpret it. Also, is "succulent" part of the title do you think? If so, that skyrockets its placement on the sexual innuendo scale, and therefore makes me love it all the more. I, of course, looked up the blurb in an effort to become more informed. Thank me later.
Gala is an elite Captain of Dianndra's guard and a proud owner of a male harem. When she volunteers to go on a treacherous mission into enemy territory to steal aphrodisiac fruit and defy an ancient foe, she has no idea what this act of trespass will cost her.
Lord Veren and his lover, Markeen, are gorgeous swords for hire and warriors supreme. Like all Vertanians they are bigger, stronger, braver, and brighter, but they spawn only male children and face a culture in decline. They need female companions. How fortunate for them when they discover a beautiful lust-intoxicated Dianndran wandering in their orchard.
The warriors capture Gala and carry her into their fortress for a night of shared lust that may change two ancient cultures forever.
Huh. That's quite the scenario isn't it? One question: How do I become the proud owner of a male harem? Wait. That's not relevant to this discussion is it? (But seriously, is there like an application process or something? I have references.) No. So I'll move on to my next question. If she knew the blue apples (*giggles*) were aphrodisiacs ahead of time, why did she eat them while wandering through enemy territory? That doesn't seem terribly bright to me. Nothing like being all lusty when you need to be on your game to escape foes and return to your no-doubt spectacularly slutty man harem (and just how many gentlemen does it take to qualify as a harem?). Also, I think the term "companion" might be stretching the truth a bit given they capture Miss Gala whilst in her fog of lust. Companion seems to imply a willing participant, though I guess if she's hopped up on sexy-time fruit her willingness to have at it with two male-spawn-only enemy warriors might reach a new high.
I discovered while researching this cover that it's not the only one of its kind. Oh no. There are more. Like a whole series. *claps hands and laughs maniacally* I'll leave you with Georgia Peach and his sex-tastic necklace and earring. Happy Friday everyone!