Friday, December 30, 2011

Cover Critique: Best Afternoon Ever


So. Much. To. Talk. About. I don't even know where to start. Oh wait, yes I do. Let's start with that hairless, shirtless delicious treat digitally added to our picnic landscape, because really, he's entirely and fabulously ridiculous isn't he? I think we should all take a minute to do some visualization exercises to help us truly appreciate Blue Apples (we'll address this title later) for everything it is. Here we go.

Let's imagine we're walking through the park on a glorious spring day, enjoying the fresh air and reveling in the feel of the warm sun on our faces. The grass is green, the sky is blue, and we're outside instead of cooped up in the house or at work. Then, as we round a corner on our walking path the above sight greets us. BAM! Naked chest. WHAP! Weirdly slick (sweaty? overly moisturized?) skin. POW! Complete lack of facial expression so we have no idea what's going on inside that head. Is he happy to see us? Are we the ones he's planned this bizarre tableau for? With that bland look and the fact that the picnic basket is blocking our other indicator, it's kind of hard to tell just where he's going with this. Who's traumatized? No one yet? Well, that's perhaps because we have yet to focus our attention on that strip of black fabric at his crotch. I see that and this image pops in my mind:


And I just went blind for a second. Awesome. I can say with one hundred percent certainty that I don't want black spandex-covered junk anywhere near my food Mr. Apples, so let's come more appropriately dressed for dining next time please. Nothing like eating fruit and drinking champagne .5 inches away from a one-eyed snake testing the limits of stretchiness and making a valid attempt to come out and visit. Horrible mental image. *shudders* We clearly need to move on.

I think my favorite part of this cover is the strange combination of mismatched elements and the rather alarming proportional issues present in this photoshop collage o' brilliance. Look at that picnic basket! It's the size of his entire upper body. It's probably a good thing he has so many muscles and can heft it around because I'm not sure my puny arms could manage. Also, the grass surrounding the fruit doesn't at all match the grass behind our bare chested picnic-lover, so it seems he's managed to find himself a place to dine on some sort of dividing line between turf species. Well done, Apples! He deserves a pat on the back for finding such an environmental anomaly, though I feel like if we touched his skin we might stick to it, so probably best to wait until we've finished eating before attempting contact.

Lastly, I don't think I can end this post without mentioning the title. Blue Apples. Really? Is this a blue balls reference? I know my mind is frequently deeper in the gutter than most, but I don't see another way to interpret it. Also, is "succulent" part of the title do you think? If so, that skyrockets its placement on the sexual innuendo scale, and therefore makes me love it all the more. I, of course, looked up the blurb in an effort to become more informed. Thank me later.

Gala is an elite Captain of Dianndra's guard and a proud owner of a male harem. When she volunteers to go on a treacherous mission into enemy territory to steal aphrodisiac fruit and defy an ancient foe, she has no idea what this act of trespass will cost her.

Lord Veren and his lover, Markeen, are gorgeous swords for hire and warriors supreme. Like all Vertanians they are bigger, stronger, braver, and brighter, but they spawn only male children and face a culture in decline. They need female companions. How fortunate for them when they discover a beautiful lust-intoxicated Dianndran wandering in their orchard.

The warriors capture Gala and carry her into their fortress for a night of shared lust that may change two ancient cultures forever.


Huh. That's quite the scenario isn't it? One question: How do I become the proud owner of a male harem? Wait. That's not relevant to this discussion is it? (But seriously, is there like an application process or something? I have references.) No. So I'll move on to my next question. If she knew the blue apples (*giggles*) were aphrodisiacs ahead of time, why did she eat them while wandering through enemy territory? That doesn't seem terribly bright to me. Nothing like being all lusty when you need to be on your game to escape foes and return to your no-doubt spectacularly slutty man harem (and just how many gentlemen does it take to qualify as a harem?). Also, I think the term "companion" might be stretching the truth a bit given they capture Miss Gala whilst in her fog of lust. Companion seems to imply a willing participant, though I guess if she's hopped up on sexy-time fruit her willingness to have at it with two male-spawn-only enemy warriors might reach a new high.

I discovered while researching this cover that it's not the only one of its kind. Oh no. There are more. Like a whole series. *claps hands and laughs maniacally* I'll leave you with Georgia Peach and his sex-tastic necklace and earring. Happy Friday everyone!


41 comments:

  1. My first thought was "baby oil on the chest! ewww!" My second thought was definitely junior high school humor about the succulent blue apples. (Are you familiar with Edwin Morgan's poem "The Apple's Song"? You will just never feel the same way about apples....)
    After reading your "review," my main thought was "Yes! I want a male harem, too!!"
    And my ending thought on Mr. Peach is "Why does his necklace defy gravity?"

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  2. SO ridiculous! I can't believe this is a series. On the plus side, the covers match. Almost perfectly. Don't you hate it in a series when one of the covers is out of place? And I am also wondering how one might become the owner of a male harem... for research purposes. Just pure curiosity.

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  3. This is just. the best. cover. ever! *insert hysterical laughter after reading "gorgeous swords for hire"* Can you imagine reading an ad in newspaper about male escort - gorgeous sword for hire? We have a winner here. So fantastically cringeworthy! Thank you, Jenny! :)

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  4. Lisa - I'm all over the high school blue apples humor, it's the first thing that popped into my mind when I read the title. Yes, I'm a 12 year old boy:) And I'm so looking up that poem!

    Aylee - Isn't it? I love it so much:) And I really only asked about the harem for research purposes as well. Strictly professional reasons here.

    Kara-Karina - I know! It's one of my favorites I think. Gorgeous swords for hire. Heh. So much good stuff with this one:)

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  5. Oh, dear lord. Where do you find these deliciously awful covers? And who in the world Photoshopped that mess together? Personally, I was wondering where the poor boy's neck went. Though, if he were a part of my male harem (a great idea, Jenny!), I don't think I'd complain too much. He'd have to de-oil himself though.

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  6. LMAO! These just get better and better! I think the guy in the first picnic cover had a suspicious feeling that he'd be used for a book cover. And for the Secret Santa...well, a guy who loves to stare at his junk is a red flag for me.

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  7. Oh my word. After you posted the synopsis, I'm left trying to reconcile the synopsis with the cover. I mean, if we're talking about a male harem here, I need to see it depicted on the cover.

    I love how you managed to reuse the Secret Santa junk peeping cover. Definite win in my book.

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  8. R O F L!!!! This is seriously the best series of posts in the blogging world!

    "photoshop collage o' brilliance" - fantastic!
    And, I do that you for looking up the blurb because... what the hell does the cover has to do with the story??? Nothing? That's was frightens me most, that someone not even cared when assembling this men with this.., fruits!
    And guess what, I bet they get even paid for it!

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  9. Mary - I hunt for them:) It's always the highlight of my week when I find one like the above:)

    Rummanah - Gotta love a guy who stares at his crotch while wearing tiny, tiny black underwear right? Right.

    Amanda - Right? The cover does not reflect the synopsis at all. One man does not a harem make! And I thought of you while posting the Secret Santa cover again ;-)

    Danny - The cover has nothing to do with the story apparently. Why would they need to go together? That's just silly Danny! SILLY!

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  10. OMG! I can't believe these books are ACTUAL books. You definitely have me laughing out loud this Friday afternoon. I think the most absurd and scandalous picture is the second one, Secret Santa. I'm pretty sure it has been burned into my memory....and not in a good way. ha. I love these posts- you are so witty! :) Happy New Year!

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  11. Yeah, this cover is definitely creepy. (And the Peach one is even worse! Yeep! That necklace is definitely not hot.)
    That summary--ohh my.

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  12. Hehehe.... Blue Apples! Where in the world do you find these covers??? Wherever it is, keep them coming! My kids were wondering why I was laughing so hard. Lol!

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  13. Christina - I know, they're amazing. I read on the publisher's site several comments that said "please disregard the cover, the story is great!" :) You can't disregard the cover, it's what makes me want to pick this book up!

    Lauren - It is. I love it:) The necklace is disturbing though.

    Christy - I know, it makes me giggle every time:) Glad the covers make you laugh too!

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  14. Hahahaha! How crazy is it that the picnic basket on those two covers is identical?

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  15. LOLLOLOLOL- Ok so Im on Christmas vaca right...but I had to pop by for the Friday CC~ I think apples will forever have new meaning for me....and that necklace on the last dude, Im so jealous I want it...J/K...

    Happy New Year Jenny...:)

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  16. WOW! These are some really hilarious covers AND titles. Blue apples....;) And Secret Santa!!! How cheesy!!! Santa in that cover isn't being secretive at all with his goodies!!! =p

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  17. I'm just speechless. One because this cover is just...well, you covered it. And that summary. Really? And two, you've got me laughing so hard I can't catch a breath. Amazing find. Or, uh, finds. Who thought these books and covers were a good idea?

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  18. I'm laughing so much right now. LOL when I saw the blue apples I thought the of the same things as you. The guy looks like he should be on a beach tanning since he's so oily already not out having a picnic.

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  19. Alyssa sent me over to check this out as I love your cover critiques. This is a doozy! That fellow isn't what I would consider hunky even if he didn't have that vague look and sweaty skin. Between him, the photoshoppiness (gotta be a word right?), the weird combo of elements, ridiculous title and that blurb - lust intoxicated? - I am blown away. Thank you for a hysterical post. Although I'm hoping these images are going to fade from my mind sometime soon. Think I'll go google some pics of Hugh Jackman, Ryan Gosling, Chris Hemsworth, Gerard Butler, Johnny Depp, .... Uh, yeah, gotta go.

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  20. Madigan - I think there are like 4 of these with the exact same picnic basket and just a different shirtless guy in the back. So amazing.

    Tina - I think apples will forever have new meaning to me as well. I'm going to start giggling whenever I see one. I love when my maturity really shines through:)

    Bailey - Santa certainly isn't being secretive about his goodies at all is he? No. He's sharing them loud and proud:)

    Alyssa - Thank you, they completely made my day when I found them. Once I could breathe again, I couldn't stop smiling:)

    Jenny - So glad I'm not the only one on the apple thing! I thought maybe my brain was just permanently dirtier than everyone else's from these critiques.

    Eileen - YAY! So glad you enjoy them:) And after staring at the cover for a half hour last night to write the critique, I will be googling Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Gosling, Gerard Butler, Johnny Depp and Hugh Jackman right along with you. *dreamy sigh*

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  21. I'm digging Santa but the naked chest food covers are weird. Especially the top one. He's mega sweaty.

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  22. LOL! bahahahahaha! I think the funniest thing about the picture of the picnic baskets! HA! The top guy looks like he is on steroids!

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  23. OMG. *dies* *ROFL* You pick the BEST covers to talk about.

    "...the picnic basket is blocking our other indicator..." xDD

    - Asher (from Paranormal Indulgence)

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  24. I just died like a hundred deaths, that was seriously the funniest one yet! For some reason this made me laugh the hardest though "he's managed to find himself a place to dine on some sort of dividing line between turf species." OMG. Thanks so much for that!

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  25. OMG, I don't know what to say! Those covers are probably two of the most ridiculous ones I've seen on your cover critique. What a brilliant way to almost end 2011!

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  26. I've mentioned I love you, right?

    Oh. Dear. God.

    Everything about that cover--and the blurb--are horrific. The men on those covers really aren't all that attractive either, IMHO. And seriously, in a book titled Blue Apples, the author really named her MC Gala, as in, the Gala apple?!?!?!

    Ellora's Cave usually has pretty decent covers, so this one's a shocker. In a bad way.


    Smiles!
    Lori

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  27. Those were some truly bad covers. If I saw that in the store I would run far away. Seriously! Who buys that? The first and the last were nearly identical. Thanks for the laugh but those images are going to be in my brain for awhile..AHHH! My eues are burning!

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  28. Omigosh the NECKLACE! Yes, that is so sexy, it makes everything better. Bwa ha ha... these covers are just too much. Also, I think this post caused my computer to die from too much insanity, because my mouse stopped working riiiiight as I was scrolling over that middle picture. Yup. It was stuck there and I had to take the batteries out of my mouse and re-start the connection in order to move that image off my screen. Thankfully no one was walking behind me when it happened, lol.

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  29. Excellent cover finds, Jenny! *giggles* I know my last picnic had a guy like that--didn't yours? Maybe if the picnic happened outside the Arnold Expo?

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  30. o_O That necklace....*rolls eyes* I think that is enough said about that cover, lol

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  31. Can I just say that
    a) is this picnic possibly filmed by Jersey Shore?
    b) is it a Jersey Shore audition?

    As you can tell it screamed Jersey Shore to me LOL

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  32. If your mind is in the gutter, mine is right next to it because that is all I thought when I read Blue Apples. BLAHAHAHA! And, did they really have to name the main character Gala? I'm going to giggle every time I bust out an apple, now. And that last cover....oh me oh my, nice jewelry buddy. Makes me wonder if anything else is pierced??? *waggles eyebrows*

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  33. A whole series of over moisturized cover men?! How did I ever get so lucky?

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  34. WOW Jenny! You found not one but two hunky man picnic covers!! That takes mad skills.

    What on earth is he doing wearing that necklace and earrings?

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  35. I can't even comment, I'm laughing too hard!

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  36. Oh. My. God. I can do two things at once, type and snort hysterically. My sister told me I had to come over to the computer and read something and I had no idea what I was in for. This was, without a doubt, one of the most hilarious posts I've ever read!

    These guys all look like plucked chickens and, unfortunately, Mr. Bike Chain Necklace is a common site on the streets of New York City *shudders*.

    And from the couch I couldn't tell that the guy on the second cover was touching himself, I thought they were chicks hands! I think I might know what his secret is.

    Also, if I get to pick the guys, I'd like an application to be a male harem owner as well.

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  37. Hah hah, your blog is always great, Jenny, but I don't know that I've ever laughed as much as I did here! The covers with the guys stripped down to their briefs with their...packages showing are always hilarious to me. E-readers must be such a relief when you're reading a book that has the misfortune to have such cheesetastic covers. :)

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