Friday, December 2, 2011

Cover Critique: Sugary Sweet

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.



You know what spells trouble people? Light and fluffy pink ice cream eaten on a bright, sunny day in the middle of a well-maintained park. It's a recipe for disaster. Drop those cones adorably happy couple! Nothing good can come from them! You'll hate the flavor. Or get a brain freeze. Or the creamy goodness will somehow lower all your inhibitions and you'll find yourselves naked and streaking through the great outdoors to the shocked gazes of those around you. Okay, so maybe not that last one, but it's all I could come up with as to how this little blissfully happy scenario equals t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

Let's see if the synopsis can shed a little light on the troublesome part of these abnormally perfect cones:

Elle Amery has grown up a fighter—her late mother's bad-boy-loving reputation was not the best inheritance….

So when smooth-talking Sean McElroy turns up with a pink-and-white ice cream van called Rosie that's apparently hers, Elle tries to ignore the traitorous flicker of attraction!


Family-oriented Elle is the last girl Sean should want, but as they embark on a journey filled with unexpected twists, these two misfits may discover they are the perfect fit for each other!


Well. At least the ice cream makes sense. Heed these words though my friends: do not, I repeat, do NOT fall prey to dangerous bad boys who cruise around in pink ice cream trucks looking to pick up women who cannot ignore sugar's siren call. It's becoming an epidemic, so be warned and take care or you could end up like these poor, gloriously cheerful individuals. Such a tragedy to behold isn't it?

Seems to me however that the fellow on the cover is the one being tempted here, not our too-cute girl next door. She seems perfectly content to not take a single lick of either cone, instead she's just going to sit back and smile at the fact that her strawberry yumminess has tamed this chocolate-loving epitome of badassery. Good on you Elle, he's quite literally eating right out of your hand. Trouble doesn't stand a chance against the pure delicious goodness of a frozen treat now does it? No.



Going from the overwhelming sweetness of Trouble One and Trouble Two up there to this cover is a bit like having a bucket of cold water thrown on you isn't it? You're welcome. I like to keep you guys on your toes, have you hesitating before you scroll down to the next cover because you just never know what I'm going to throw at you. I think the strawberry-licious butt cheeks accomplish that goal quite well. *pats self on back*

You know what one of my dreams in life has always been? To lay my eyes on an extreme close-up shot of a woman's perky ass cheeks as she has her crack flossed by some threadbare denim. That dream has come true today. *wipes away single tear* Lucky me.

Can you imagine what happens to that seam when she sits down? Yikes. My rear end is clenching in sympathy just thinking about it. Was that too much information about me? Yes you say? Awesome. I guess I just wanted you all to get to know me as well as we now know this young woman thanks to this cover. I've been staring at this mostly bare bottom for about 15 minutes writing this critique, so I feel like I could probably pick those buns out of a lineup if ever needed, and that means I have been looking at this for 14 minutes too long and must to look away for the sake of my sanity.

But before I go, can we talk about that hand please? The nonexistent nails suggest it's a male appendage, but that is the smoothest, shiniest, most well-lotioned hand I've seen in quite some time. I guess it would look even more bizarre if a giant furred paw were coming from off-cover to caress her bottom, but those perfectly groomed fingers just don't scream "romance hero" to me. My own hands look quite masculine in comparison, and I'm pretty sure my butt has never once looked like this, so all in all, this cover has been bit of a downer for me. At least I don't have jeans wedged up in places they shouldn't be, so I guess I can walk away from this with my head held high even though my cheeks sag low ;-)

Happy Friday Everyone!

47 comments:

  1. In Tempted by Trouble, I think our girl Elle is in danger of wearing that chocolate ice cream cone. Either her hair or a dripping cone down her arm. If he licks it off, therein lies the trouble....
    Only thing I can think of, it looks so innocent.

    Strawberry Rendevous is quite the extreme to Tempted. And you know, his hand isn't even really grabbing her, it's kind of hovering. And it isn't at all masculine. But you still had me laughing so loud I was afraid I'd wake my son up! And I think I peed in my pants!! Stop it! The image of her sitting down in those shorts is so painful, they must damage something.

    I would love to make these covers! I swear I'd make some worthy of your cover critiques!!
    Once again, pat yourself on the back, totally awesome!!!!
    Heather

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  2. Lol, loving it as usual, and that is totally a girl hand. If not then the guy sure has feminine hands

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  3. The first cover looks like it belongs on Christian fiction. Saccharine. And they both have bad taste. I hate strawberry ice cream. And I'd much rather have a vanilla based ice cream like cookies & cream or cookie dough than chocolate ice cream.

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  4. Tears rolling down my cheeks-face cheeks! As I shake with uncontrollable laughter! Thank you! Two covers that could not be any more different. And yet both are repulsive in their own way! LOL! You made my day!

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  5. Is it totally wrong that I can't stop starting at that last one? Oh my, those perky cheeks look like they are in pain and she isn't even sitting. I have this sudden need to pick a nonexistent wedgie from my own cherks. Oi, and what's up with the strawberries? Hahaha! I'm curious about how the photo shoot for that one went..."Yes, Sally, just bend over that green screen table and stop picking your bum. Oh, and don't mind Ted's hand. Yes! Now raise those cheeks. That's it!" Awkward.

    Maybe I can have an ass like hers if I find myself some strawberries to rendezvous with. As long as I don't have to wear those shorts!

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  6. lmao that was awesome. I really don't want to know what it's like sitting down in those shorts and yeah zoom in on some chicks butt as the cover who was the moron that thought that was a good idea? Poor author. First one um that guy looks like an accountant not even remotely like a bad boy and bad boy driving a pink ice cream truck really?!

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  7. LOL, omg. The first blurb and the second cover... I can't say it's a cover that would really want me to make me read a story... then again, I can't seem to look away. LOL. And the hand on strawberries! Wow. As always, great critique. ;) Hahah spot on!

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  8. That hand in the second cover. I cannot STOP STARING. At first, I though maybe it was her hand, making sure she wasn't 'too' exposed. Then I realised, no girl wearing shorts that short would have such non-existent nails. But it doesn't look like a man's hand either. I'm not only worried, but scared... Woman! Have some self-respect! if you're going to let a man grope you, make sure no one can question his manhood by simply looking at those hands. *wisdom for the ages*

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  9. Oh my gosh, I know!! I hate it when my ice cream melts on a sunny day! x) LOL and it happens so much more often than people would think, so beware of the sun and yummy cold treats!

    And LOLOLOL I had to scroll down the page really fast to skim over the picture of the second cover!! That is SO awkward! I should really stop looking at these when my sister is walking by behind me! x) But you're totally right -- that's just a wedgie waiting to happen!

    JENNY, YOU MAKE MY DAY. This is seriously the perfect way to start a Friday & you make me giggle like crazy!! <3 :)

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  10. First off, I have NEVER seen anyone gaze so intently at ice cream before. That couple has the same expression on their faces as you sometimes see with first-time parents gazing at their tiny, newborn offspring: wonder, excitement, amazement. But it's all for pink ice cream. Silly.

    Then, besides the comments you made about the girl's half-moon shorts, I also wonder about the position they're in. I can only assume the guy's lying on his back, she's on top of him so he can grab her buttcheek, --- and their friends have dumped a load of strawberries on them. After all, you cannot get strawberries piled all over you in that manner unless someone else does it for you....
    Disturbing.

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  11. The first is tooo sweet and the second - ick! TMT (too much toosh)!

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  12. Ah! Totally wasn't expecting to see strawberry covered butt cheeks this morning. :o) This post has me rolling, like always! Keep them coming, this is the highlight of my Friday!

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  13. Heather - She is danger of wearing the chocolate. I wonder if she like catches fire or starts melting if ice cream touches her in any way. That would definitely mean trouble:) I would love to make these covers too, I would smile all day every day:)

    Blodeuedd - It is a girl hand. I just blinked at it for a while because I thought it was hers but then it's at the wrong angle to be hers. Win.

    Alison - I could really go for cookies and cream now that you mention it. Dammit Alison!

    Tammy - Well, I'm glad I didn't make your butt cheeks weep, that would have been disturbing ;-) So glad I could make you laugh!

    Jen - No it's not wrong. I couldn't either. I was glued to my screen last night with the cover blown up really large so I could look for random details. I'm sure the neighbors could see through my window and were like WTH?

    Jessica - He does look like an accountant! They could have at least put him in a black t-shirt or something. Anything to give him a hint of trouble. But no:)

    Rebecca - Right? Her bum is like Medusa, you can't stop yourself from looking but it's dangerous when you do:) Love it!

    Kris - You and me both. Even after all the time I spent with those cheeks and that hand last night, I'm still staring at them open mouthed this morning. And that hand freaks me out:)

    Mimi - Hahaha so sorry, I guess I should have put up some sort of WARNING: BUTT CHEEKS AHEAD before the Strawberry Rendezvous cover:) Glad I could make your day!

    Lisa - Seriously. It's the most fascinating ice cream EVER. Magic ice cream really. And I can't even begin to explain the strawberries. I have no words for them:)

    Juju - Quite a contrast aren't they? They make me happy:)

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  14. LOL, after looking at the last cover I think my odds are better with the bad boy in a pink ice cream truck. ;)

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  15. Christy - Mission accomplished. I like to shock and surprise you guys every now and then:)

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  16. Jenny, ice cream is ALWAYS trouble. It steals your money and it widens your hips. In fact, keep all that ice cream away from the second cover. It's offensive enough as it is. Can you imagine what kind of havoc ice cream would wreak? The poor girl would have frozen buns from the guy's cold hands. I bet his hands would be sticky, too. No one wants frozen sticky buns.

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  17. Oh my gosh...I was all loving the ice cream and thinking about bad boys and getting hungry....

    then bam those butt checks just ruined it and changed my whole perspective on strawberry's...thanks alot Jenny!!!

    LOL

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  18. Rummanah - I think you're probably right:)

    Amanda - Apparently! Who knew there was so much danger involved. And I for one most certainly do not want frozen sticky buns. Not even a little:)

    Tina - Hahahah YES! That's so what I was going for:)

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  19. Oh no! Why didn't you warn me about ice cream guys before! *runs off to cancel date*

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  20. But I'm not returning the shorts!

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  21. Good gosh! I wonder what psychic "rumpologist" extraordinaire Jackie Stallone (mom of Hollywood actor Sylvester Stallone) would have to say about this!

    http://www.jacquelinestallone.com/rumps.html

    Your cover analysis has me rolling, as always, Jenny.

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  22. That ice cream literally looks like pink whipped cream in a cone. Yuck! And yes, you definitely shocked me with that second cover! I laughed out loud. :P

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  23. Oh dear. Yes, I seem to be quite speechless... Speechless. Who would ever want to carry that second book around? No girl would be caught dead reading it. So what? Teenage boys hang it on their walls? Yes, that's what this book is for- teenage boys to stare at.
    Thanks for the giggles!

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  24. *high fives Jenny*

    Yes, thank you Jenny for splashing me with...wait, that was water, right?!

    I don't know why I never thought to look for my next bad boy in an ice cream truck, especially if they inspire nude frolicked!

    And I don't know about anyone else, but I'm Team TMI! :)

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  25. The first one I do not mind but the second, yes I am staring at that crack and my butt hurts just thinking about it

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  26. Rubita - So sorry! I should have done my public service sooner:) And you can keep those shorts, please where them wherever you go and document the reactions you get to share with the rest of us:)

    Madigan - Maybe I should send it to her:)

    Lauren - Doesn't it? It certainly doesn't look like ice cream:) And I'm glad the butt cheeks served their purpose!

    Candace - I figured her rear would have that affect on people. Awesome:)

    Missie - You're so very welcome Missie, I will throw water on you any time you'd like. And I figured you would be on Team TMI, I just wanted to share a little something about me ;-)

    Blodeuedd - My butt hurts too. I imagine everyone who looks at this feels a twinge:)

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  27. LOL! I laughed so hard reading this! Thanks for putting a smile on my face. I loved these post!

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  28. LOL

    Yes, I did some eye popping for the second book. At least she has a nice @ss...O.o However... snuggies!! Ow! At least your dream came true. *sighs*

    ROFL

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  29. Oh my word... my eyes are burning! Look at that damn butt. Ew.

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  30. omg I love you!

    Yeah, bad boys don't drive ice cream trucks. Reason why--parents would call to complain and he'd be fired in a day. And unless they're using those cones in some weird kind of roleplay (which, just...eww), that cover totally doesn't do it for me.

    Ditto for Miss Daisy Dukes there. Seriously, could the cover artist be any more innuendo-y???


    Smiles!
    Lori

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  31. DUDE. If my ass looked THAT awesome- I'd let them put it on a BILLBOARD!!!! Hehe!!!

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  32. Jenny....I look forward to Fridays just so I can read your Cover Critiques. They always have me laughing until my stomach hurts! Your blog is tied for my number one favorite blog (along with Cake Wrecks) because of your hilarious critiques and amazing reviews. Love it!

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  33. Savy - Yay! I was hoping everyone would find these as amusing as I did. Sometimes I worry I'm the only one that will find them funny:)

    Melissa - It was a good day for me with my dream coming true and all. Though my confidence took a bit of beating since what greets me in bathroom mirror looks nothing like the above O_o

    Steph - Mine too. And if mine are burning it means I need to share the cover with everyone else:)

    Lori - *blushes* Thank you! And let's not even think about what else this couple could do with those cones. *shudders*

    Ashley - Ha! Maybe that is my ass and I just wanted to show it off in an anonymous situation ;-)

    LilyKat - You are too sweet! Cake Wrecks is one of my favorite sites too, the commentary on those ridiculous confectionery masterpieces make me cry laughing every time:)

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  34. Me, too! My favorites are the "what the bride wanted vs what she got". Although, considering my recent engagement...perhaps I should be worried about my cake... O.o But, I'll make sure not to show the above book cover to my fiance, so I won't have to worry about my little butt not measuring up. >.>

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  35. Ah *wipes tears from eyes* I always bust a gut when I read your cover critiques. Brilliant.

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  36. LilyKat - YES!!! Those are hilarious. I kind of just blink stupidly at them and go "whut?" They just make me happy:) And I'm not going to be showing the above butt to my husband either, it's not like I compare him to shirtless romance cover models so why should he compare my rear to this? ;-)

    Samantha - Hahaha thank you:) I do try ;-)

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  37. One fart and strawberry girl is blowing those shorts right off her body.

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  38. Debra - Seriously. Why are we the only practical ones here? ;-)

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  39. LOVE. I just found this book, completely by accident, that I think you'll love. It's a fantastic cover. >< A Novel Seduction by Gwyn Ready. (This is totally not me trying to spam you or anything, by the way. Just trying to send a cover that I accidentally stumbled across.)

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  40. BAHAHA! I literally laughed out loud at Debra's comment. The funniest part is that it is just so true. One fart, one little toot, or even just bending over and the little bit of thread holding those shorts together is going rip apart like a soggy paper bag.

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  41. To lay my eyes on an extreme close-up shot of a woman's perky ass cheeks as she has her crack flossed by some threadbare denim. That dream has come true today. *wipes away single tear* Lucky me.

    Had I been drinking something when I read the above line I would have choked on it (or spewed it everywhere). I don't know where you come up with these things Jenny. But I am sure glad that you do... ;)

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  42. Ha! I can honestly say that I was not expecting that second cover - you totally fooled me with the first innocent one.

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  43. I had a whole body wince when I saw those shorts and your wondering-what-happens-whe-she-sits... *shudder*

    The super-sweet cover reminds me of those early 80's Harlequin covers. I stay clear of sweet and innocent. Dirty 'em up a bit (same goes for the polished hand--eep).

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  44. Wow...do I want to know what's going on with those strawberries? Funny comments as always. You make me laugh.

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  45. Oh how I've missed your cover critique posts Jenny. You had me screeching with laughter. I must say those ass cheeks were a massive slap in the face after that sugary-delight. It also has to be said that the couple look more in love with the ice-cream than with each other. Tsk. Some kind of love story that is eh? Gosh, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at strawberries without having a mental flashback to those uh, hum, pert buns. *laughs a little mroe*

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  46. I love the two picks this week:

    a) I am not sure the chocolate ice cream is going to make it. I mean it is totally getting ignored and about to teeter to its final death. Then you have sticky ice cream and easy out for the girl. Not to slick Casanova---just saying.

    b) I have no words for those shorts that are worse than Daisy Dukes. I mean can she site down? I am not sure about that! Let's also talk strawberries---I mean do you really need to roll around in them? Aren't they prickly and seedy and stainy (yes I made that word up)! :)

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