Cover Critique: Glow Worms Are Sexy

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.


Do you need a minute? I'm pretty sure I do because this is a spectacularly brilliant cover (Get it? Brilliant? Because of the lighting? Right. Moving on.). First, I think we should start with the obvious: the glowing. I find myself flummoxed. Baffled. Confused. Dare I say befuddled? The title is telling us Romeo has been unleashed, but from where I ask you? A radioactive drum? Is he an escaped science experiment who must be naked at all times because his radioactivity won't allow clothes to stay on his body? Is he also magnetic? Because that woman is plastered to his back with her face adhered to his shoulder like she's stuck there as a result of some unseen force.

Here's the plot scenario I'm picturing: Our Romeo has escaped or been set free from some sort of medical or scientific experiment gone wrong, and since that slimy smirk seems to imply he's a wee bit cocky, I'm going to go with he's elected to not wear any articles of clothing in the hopes that both his animal magnetism and his weird glowing will attract the ladies. The cover comes to us a few moments after he's lured in his first female, and he's turning to look at us to say "Heh. Look at what my radioactive nudity just accomplished. I'm impressive, no? Wait till you see what else I can make light up."

Which leads me to my next line of questioning. I think you all know where I'm headed, so let's not be shy about it because we're all mature here. *snort* Do you think his junk glows in the dark? I just have visions of him using his manhood like a flashlight to prowl around at night in search of women, and when he finds one, he blinks his pecker on and off in a firefly-like mating ritual (I have no idea if blinking is actually a mating ritual for fireflies, but let's just go with it, okay?) to draw them in before his strong magnetic pull overtakes them. Just think of all the power his special cock light grants him! He should write the people responsible for his odd glow a thank you note, because with that ridiculous chia-pet-like hair and that "I'm a bit of a douche" expression (which I fear may be his only one) he would sadly be naked woman-free otherwise I think.

Random side note: Do you think he's packing pen light type equipment down there or Maglite heavy duty flashlight type equipment? Too much inappropriate junk speculation going on here you say? You're probably right. But I bet you're all now scrolling back up to examine his knee-covered crotch more closely aren't you? And I'm going with pen light. That is all.

I'm sure you all know by now that I love coming up with my own theories behind these covers and enjoy guessing what they could be about before looking up the blurb and seeing how far off I am, so I of course tracked the synopsis down to see if it could enlighten me (Enlighten! Ha! Cleverness, thou hath met your match in me;-) *congratulates self* I'm on a roll today):

When Christine spies hunky vamp Romeo across a crowded bar, flirtation turns to mind-blowing sex and sex to deeper feelings. They won't give each other up but their secrets may drive them apart.

Huh. That was quite possibly the least informative blurb ever written. Super. Is the glowing one of the secrets that will drive them apart? I think my wiener flashlight/radioactive magnet scenario is more entertaining, so I'm going to pretend the above synopsis doesn't exist and that our Romeo is instead just a man channeling his inner glow worm in an effort to find true love. Or mind-blowing sex. Whichever.

Happy Friday Everyone!