Cover Critique: Crotches of Flame

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

I don't want to boast, but I think I've really outdone myself this week friends. Truly. Sometimes my laugh-out-loud cover-finding skills are so magical that I impress even myself. This is one of those times. I've simply blown myself away with the covers I've stumbled upon, and as I think the title of this post suggests, you're in for a treat. A flaming hot one. Now that I'm done thoroughly patting myself on the back for my internet-scavenging brilliance, I think we can move on to taking a look at the fruits of my labor. Be prepared.

GOD OF FIRE

Look at that people. It's glorious. The nakedness and the hair and the flames all combine to create a work of art to rival the masters of the Renaissance in my humble opinion. Nothing sexier than a man with fiery junk I always say. In fact, I say it so often I think I'd like crocheted on some decorative pillows. Or oven mitts maybe. Oven mitts would make more sense right? They're made for handling hot things. Like extra crispy man bits. I personally think Michelangelo should have experimented a touch with flaming crotches, it would have taken his work to a more refined and impressive level. It's not like he wasn't intimately familiar with sculpting that particular area, so what would adding a few flames have hurt? Nothing, that's what.

I have a question though. As the title tells us, our nude friend here with the fluffy mane of gold is the God of Fire, and if that's to be believed, one would think he would have a certain level of control over his abilities. Gods are typically immortal, so in theory he's had an extremely long time to fine-tune his fire-wielding correct? Let's just go with yes. So why, if we're to assume he's a champ when it comes to flame manipulation, would he be pictured here with his goods aflame? That seems like a newbie mistake if you ask me. Premature crotch ignition? A full-blown god should not lose control like this! It's just unbecoming really.

And look at his face! He's giving us the intimidating stare down, like should we dare to mention his little issue with prematurity he will show us just how accurate and, ahem, on time he can be by flambeing us with a single precision strike. You win Peen of Fire, you win. I won't mention this little incident to anyone. Promise.

Random side note: My brain often freezes while trying to think of the right word or words to accurately express what I'm trying to say when writing these critiques. In the case of the above cover, there was one word in particular I couldn't think of for the life of me and it was driving me crazy, so I called to my husband Kevin in the other room and asked for assistance. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Kevin?

Kevin: What?

Me: What's it called when a guy unintentionally gets off before he's supposed to?

Kevin: What?

Me: I think we both know you heard what I just asked. Don't pretend my out-of-nowhere verbal sexual outburst has surprised you.

Kevin: Premature ejaculation?

Me: YES! Premature! Thank you, that's super helpful.

Kevin: Seriously? What the hell are you writing in there?

Me: Don't worry about it.

Kevin: This is going on the blog isn't it.

Me: Sure is. And you were instrumental in making it happen. You should be proud.

Kevin: Never been prouder. This is a real high point in my life.

Me: Sarcasm doesn't become you the way it so clearly does me, please refrain from using it in the future.

Kevin: There are things wrong with you. Seriously.

Ah, marriage. Full of sweet honesty and deep love.

PHOENIX RISING

I don't want anyone to think I have something against men by poking fun at our fire god up there and his possible quick-trigger tendencies, so I thought it pertinent I post a woman with fiery nether regions as well. Now no one can say I'm anything other than completely fair.

I have to say in this instance the fire doesn't catch my attention nearly as much as the white nipple curly-cue though. I can't say I've ever seen a titty swirl before, it's entirely new to me. Maybe that just shows you how sheltered I am, but I can't stop staring at it. At first glance I thought maybe it was some piece of futuristic lingerie since it seems to wrap around her back like a bathing suit, but her other breast seems to be swirl-free, and really, how would a top that simply curls around her boob like that stay up? It's a conundrum.

With the bizarre bra idea off the table quickly, my imagination began to take me to some uncomfortable places. Specifically, it immediately jumped to the old Care Bear cartoons. Remember those? The cute fuzzy bears with the little bellies that when pushed gave them special abilities? That's what her nipple spiral made me think of–that maybe if someone pressed it, a phoenix would shoot from her boob and do I'm-not-sure-what because I didn't really get that far in my thought process. I know I just completely perverted a wonderful children's cartoon, but I can't help the way my mind works people! It went that direction without my permission. *hangs head in shame*

Happy Friday everyone!