Cover Critique: Special Birthday Edition

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

Today I turn the big 3-0, so I thought to celebrate I would critique some fun birthday-themed covers. Now, I don't *think* I'm one of those people who dreads getting older (this may change as that number climbs higher however) so I don't have too much stress about today's date. This could be because I'm currently operating under the delusion that I'm turning 27 instead of 30 (27 is a good number, close enough to my actual age that I can pull it off, but far enough away from 30 that I still have a few years before I have to alter the delusion again), so if all of you could enable me and feed my delusion by wishing me a Happy 27th Birthday should you leave a comment, that would be appreciated.

The below is my gift to all of you and myself really, as typing the word "birthday" into many a search box was perhaps the greatest experience of my life. Let's begin the birthday festivities shall we?

BIRTHDAY BLESSING

Um. Who doesn't really feel all that blessed when looking at this cover? *raises both hands enthusiastically* If this "King of Swords" (we'll discuss this label in a minute) were to show up at my door at any point today and claim he was my gift I think I would be most disappointed. Return to sender please. He's got a lovely chest and nice arms, but he's giving me a creepy stare down. Look at those eyes! They're shifty.

He's all "I'm going to keep looking at you until something happens. I'm not sure what, but the intensity of my gaze is bound to have some effect on you. If it doesn't, perhaps my lovely lady locks will charm you. Or my headband will dazzle you. Or maybe the size of my sword will blow your mind (*Jenny's legs clench together here*). I'm the King of Swords, did you know? Therefore my sword is the biggest, and I wield it with the most skill. I'm communicating all of this to you with my deer-in-headlights stare of death. Blessing complete."

BIRTHDAY GIRL

Well friends, since it's my birthday, I feel like I should share something about myself with all of you. A get-to-know-Jenny-better type of thing. Here we go:

Sometimes, on special occasions, I like to strip naked, bust out my best aggressive sexy face, put my arms up over my head, and let people grope my boobs from behind. Phew! Feels good to get that off (or on as it were) my chest. I feel lighter now. Like I've shared the weight of this secret with you guys and now we all bear the burden of it together. You're welcome! It's the gift that keeps on giving I think. Just imagine you're sitting at your desk at work in a few weeks or months and BAM this image pops into your head. You'll be silently thanking me for this post when that happens I'm sure. Or not. Whichever.

You're all super pumped I brought you into my confidence now aren't you? Sharing is caring everyone.

DARLA'S VALENTINE

Okay, technically this isn't a birthday cover, but there are balloons so I'm counting it. Balloons = birthdays in my head, so Darla and her valentine here are actually Darla and her birthday celebration for the purposes of this critique.

I think we should just get the fact that she looks like a blow up doll out of the way right upfront. I feel like it will reduce the awkwardness moving forward if we all acknowledge it from the beginning. Her mouth is wide open, she's got that "I'm so surprised by what's happening right now" look on her face, she's mostly naked, and, because she's digitally rendered, she's got a plastic look to her. Ellora's Cave got me a blow up doll for my birthday people. That is amazing. Best. Gift. Ever.

Can we talk about the balloon placement for a minute? Why, oh why, are two of them coming straight out of her crack? In her surprise over falling out of a teacup (inflatable swimming pool?) she's apparently farted two balloons with red strings. Well done Darla! That's a nifty talent, especially at parties. It almost looks as though, instead of falling, the balloons are attached to her and are attempting to lift her away from Mr. Gropey Groperson reaching for her ample bosom. Given her aforementioned blow up doll status, clearly 3 balloons would be enough to help her float away, and I guess I can't really blame her for wanting to escape those anonymous happy hands that seem so intent on feeling her up. I might fart some balloons to escape that as well. If given the choice, I'd prefer to sprout wings and fly, but beggars can't be choosers when trying to dodge Friendly Fingers here now can they? No. Birthday butt balloons it is. GO DARLA GO!! BREAK WIND AND FLY!!

Also, one last random question: why is the "s" in "Darla's" bold when no other letters in the title are? Seems to me the "s" in "Winston" is the same way. What is special about a lowercase "s"? Now I'm going to be pondering the meaning of it the rest of the day. Perfect.

Thanks for celebrating my birthday with me everyone!

*I just want to thank everyone at Ellora's Cave for being consistently awesome with regards to my critiques and always taking them in the fun, humorous spirit in which they're intended*