Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.
I think I found something brilliant for you this week my friends. "Think" being the operative word here. I mean, it's entirely possible I've found something brilliant, but it's also entirely possible I didn't. I'm very complicated, I know. Clearly I need to explain the situation and this week's cover, so please bear with me through the following anecdote.
Yesterday I was perusing the internet in search of covers for today's post and stumbled upon a new publisher I'd yet to discover in all my previous cover WTF-ery expeditions. I can't tell you how excited I get when this happens. There before me was an enormous online catalog of potential eye-gouging and soul-searing imagery, and I couldn't wait to dive in and see what treasures awaited. But I was foiled. FOILED! It's as though the publisher knew I was visiting their site and wanted to prevent me from using one of their covers in my Friday feature. And they were very, very sneaky about it. Little did they know that my determination to find cover monstrosities knows no bounds.
I noticed as I was scanning their titles that the thumbnails were tiny. Obviously. That's the point of a thumbnail right? Right. However, theirs in particular seemed abnormally little, and I like to post rather large images of the covers so everyone can take in all the magnificently horrifying details. I wasn't worried though because underneath the thumbnail it said "click for larger image". Perfect. They've thought of everything! I will click for a larger image like no one has ever clicked before! So I did. And this is what came up:
Seriously. Blogger did not shrink my image, this is honestly their version of "larger". Given the publisher I was visiting seemed to publish romance/erotic novels, I have to say this does not bode well for what we're going to find in between the sheets (both paper and fabric) now does it? No. The poor heroes in these books are tragically stunted from the very get go with tiny, unimpressive, no more than inch-long, um, covers. How unsatisfying for all parties involved.
Now, I would like to play a game. A game where you all tell me what the hell I'm looking at because I have no idea. There's clearly at least one shirtless gentleman on there, but as for the rest, I haven't the first clue. Transparency layers are fun aren't they? I can almost hear the designer laughing as he or she adds image after image to this cover while changing the opacity of each layer until we get this monochromatic mess we can't decipher. Or enlarge apparently. Do I see abs on the right there? I think I do (I have an eye for these things people ;-). I have no idea if said abs belong to the nose and mouth up top though, it's all very confusing and jumbled.
Remember those Magic Eye posters? The ones where you basically had to cross your eyes while looking at them and wait until a 3-D image of dinosaurs or birds or deer or something popped out at you? I feel like this is one of those. Like it's testing me. Like I'm supposed to make something of the chaos and the cover is secretly laughing at me because I'm failing to do so. It's obviously taunting me with its distinct lack of clarity. YOU'LL NOT BEST ME TEENY TINY COVER! I WILL PREVAIL IN THE END!
Who else keeps repeatedly clicking on the above image in the misguided hope that one of the times you click it the cover will actually show up larger? *raises both hands* We can solve this puzzle together everyone, I know we can. Let's all just stare at it, share our theories in the comments, and take the mystery right out of this bad boy, what do you say? It cannot continue to mock us with its ambiguity, I'll not stand for it! I'M COMING FOR YOU A PRIVATE HUNGER, BE INTIMIDATED BY MY USE OF ALL CAPS!
Seriously though everyone. Help me.