Thursday, March 1, 2012

Cover Critique: Special Birthday Edition

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

Today I turn the big 3-0, so I thought to celebrate I would critique some fun birthday-themed covers. Now, I don't *think* I'm one of those people who dreads getting older (this may change as that number climbs higher however) so I don't have too much stress about today's date. This could be because I'm currently operating under the delusion that I'm turning 27 instead of 30 (27 is a good number, close enough to my actual age that I can pull it off, but far enough away from 30 that I still have a few years before I have to alter the delusion again), so if all of you could enable me and feed my delusion by wishing me a Happy 27th Birthday should you leave a comment, that would be appreciated.

The below is my gift to all of you and myself really, as typing the word "birthday" into many a search box was perhaps the greatest experience of my life. Let's begin the birthday festivities shall we?


Um. Who doesn't really feel all that blessed when looking at this cover? *raises both hands enthusiastically* If this "King of Swords" (we'll discuss this label in a minute) were to show up at my door at any point today and claim he was my gift I think I would be most disappointed. Return to sender please. He's got a lovely chest and nice arms, but he's giving me a creepy stare down. Look at those eyes! They're shifty.

He's all "I'm going to keep looking at you until something happens. I'm not sure what, but the intensity of my gaze is bound to have some effect on you. If it doesn't, perhaps my lovely lady locks will charm you. Or my headband will dazzle you. Or maybe the size of my sword will blow your mind (*Jenny's legs clench together here*). I'm the King of Swords, did you know? Therefore my sword is the biggest, and I wield it with the most skill. I'm communicating all of this to you with my deer-in-headlights stare of death. Blessing complete."


Well friends, since it's my birthday, I feel like I should share something about myself with all of you. A get-to-know-Jenny-better type of thing. Here we go:

Sometimes, on special occasions, I like to strip naked, bust out my best aggressive sexy face, put my arms up over my head, and let people grope my boobs from behind. Phew! Feels good to get that off (or on as it were) my chest. I feel lighter now. Like I've shared the weight of this secret with you guys and now we all bear the burden of it together. You're welcome! It's the gift that keeps on giving I think. Just imagine you're sitting at your desk at work in a few weeks or months and BAM this image pops into your head. You'll be silently thanking me for this post when that happens I'm sure. Or not. Whichever.

You're all super pumped I brought you into my confidence now aren't you? Sharing is caring everyone.


Okay, technically this isn't a birthday cover, but there are balloons so I'm counting it. Balloons = birthdays in my head, so Darla and her valentine here are actually Darla and her birthday celebration for the purposes of this critique.

I think we should just get the fact that she looks like a blow up doll out of the way right upfront. I feel like it will reduce the awkwardness moving forward if we all acknowledge it from the beginning. Her mouth is wide open, she's got that "I'm so surprised by what's happening right now" look on her face, she's mostly naked, and, because she's digitally rendered, she's got a plastic look to her. Ellora's Cave got me a blow up doll for my birthday people. That is amazing. Best. Gift. Ever.

Can we talk about the balloon placement for a minute? Why, oh why, are two of them coming straight out of her crack? In her surprise over falling out of a teacup (inflatable swimming pool?) she's apparently farted two balloons with red strings. Well done Darla! That's a nifty talent, especially at parties. It almost looks as though, instead of falling, the balloons are attached to her and are attempting to lift her away from Mr. Gropey Groperson reaching for her ample bosom. Given her aforementioned blow up doll status, clearly 3 balloons would be enough to help her float away, and I guess I can't really blame her for wanting to escape those anonymous happy hands that seem so intent on feeling her up. I might fart some balloons to escape that as well. If given the choice, I'd prefer to sprout wings and fly, but beggars can't be choosers when trying to dodge Friendly Fingers here now can they? No. Birthday butt balloons it is. GO DARLA GO!! BREAK WIND AND FLY!!

Also, one last random question: why is the "s" in "Darla's" bold when no other letters in the title are? Seems to me the "s" in "Winston" is the same way. What is special about a lowercase "s"? Now I'm going to be pondering the meaning of it the rest of the day. Perfect.

Thanks for celebrating my birthday with me everyone!

*I just want to thank everyone at Ellora's Cave for being consistently awesome with regards to my critiques and always taking them in the fun, humorous spirit in which they're intended*


  1. I can't get over the sword dude's hair. I just...can't. 0_0 Lol.

  2. Happy Birthday -Happpppyyy Birthday my friend! And ..30 sounds only scary in fact it's totally not and the 3 in front won't bother you at some point... I had 3 years to get over it and I also managed :)

    I hope you'll have a great Birthday and get some awesome presents and have a simply phenomenal day! *hugs, kisses and ..hugs*

    Oh and this Birtdhay Edition is awesome... *giggles*

  3. Hahaha, great birthday post! And a very happy birthday to you! Enjoy it!

  4. Happy - uh - 27 Birthday!! I sincerely hope no one gets you any creepy staring guys or birthday butt balloons as presents. And thanks so much for letting us into your confidence with that little known secret, ha!

  5. Happy 27th birthday dear Jenny! I was so happy to see the cover critique back! You gave us a present! 30 is just a number. Wait until you start getting AARP things in the mail. Then you'll fell really old! I'm not nearly old enough for that!

    I'd just like to point out that despite her blow up doll status, Darla could use a boob job. She's a bit droopy. Loved the critique!

    Happy Happy Birthday!


  6. Happy 27th, Jenny! ;)

    Those covers are hilaaaaarious. I'm not sure Darla's actually a real person, she looks like she totally CGI and they just happened to use it. Still doesn't explain ANYTHING about that cover.


    And really you shouldn't be so giving on your birthday, because this post is very generous with the hilarity. I couldn't stop chuckling to myself, to which my sister replied, "It's never going to get any easier for us when you start laughing by yourself." *LOL*

    I think my favorite cover here is Darla's Valentine. Farting balloons out of one's crack and Mr. Helping Hands there will do that to you. I don't think I'll be able to get this cover out of my head. Thanks, Jenny!


  8. Oh my gosh, happy happy 27th birthday, Jenny!!!! ;) <333 LOL this is definitely the way to bring a smile to your face on your birthday -- those covers are so ridiculously funny! The first guy... oh my goodness, it's that hair and stare (which rhymes)! x) I can't even talk about the second one LOL and those butt balloons for number three? So funny!

    And I'm glad that everyone at Ellora's Cave is being so awesome about your critiques! :) They're always just so much fun to read!

    I hope you have a birthday that's as AMAZING as you, Jenny! :) <3

  9. Happy Birthday my beautiful blog friend...;) I feel like its my birthday too with all the laughing that just went on reading this post.

    Shifty eyes...LOVE IT!! Balloon crack.....seriously girl you need to make funny cards or something....

  10. Thanks for giving us the gift of laughter on your birthday. These are hysterical. Have a very special day!!!

  11. Happy BIG 3-O :) You keep those 30s covered while I get the 40s!!!

    That last cover made me giggle...She looks like a Sim (from the game)! Seriously had I not seen Ellora's Cave written up there I wouldn't have known it wasn't a game add-in. Though even for the Sims that might be a little racy LOL

  12. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my favourite blogger in the whole wide world!!!

    Also, the first book looks like the man is going to leap off the cover and eat my face off. In a gross, non sexually pleasing way ;)

  13. Natalie - Right? It's amazing:)

    Danny - Thank you!! *HUGS* Can't wait to see you in a couple months:)

    Lexi - Glad you enjoyed it:) And thank you!

    Aylee - YES! Thank you. Being 27 is AWESOME ;-) I also hope I don't get any butt balloons today. I'll report back tomorrow:)

    Heather - Thanks so much! Hahaha yes, I have a few years until the AARP things start arriving. I'll do another cover critique post when those come ;)

    Chantaal - Thank you! 27 feels good:) Darla totally is CGI, I think it makes the cover even better:)

    Asher - THANK YOU! I'm just a giving person you know? Give, give, give. That's me:) Darla is going to stay in my head for a while too. Happy Birthday to Me:)

    Mimi - If you want, because I'm in a giving mood today, I will totally share Mr. Death Stare with Big Sword with you. Thank me later. *hugs*

    Tina - Thank you my friend! And those eyes? They haunted me all last night. He's clearly trying to communicate with me. Weird:)

    Cathy - THANK YOU!

    Felicia - I got the 30's covered:) And Ellora's Cave has a whole line of these digital covers - they're the greatest things I've ever seen:)

  14. Melissa - I ADORE YOU! And yes, bad things will happen if the King of Swords gets a hold of you. *shudders*

  15. I can't get over Birthday Blessing Boy's creepy stare.

    I remember stumbling over Darla's valentine book. But I never had anything quite as funny to say as, "I might fart some balloons to escape that as well."

    *dies from laughing*

    Happy Birthday! :)

  16. Happy Birthday, Jenny! These covers are craptastic. It looks Darla stepped out of a pool party in Sim City. She also seems to be short on the helium tank (it's expensive, you know) and opted for the free gas kind. ;)

  17. You're hilarious Jenny! Your comments had me cracking up, especially the one about your sexy aggressive face. ;)

    Happy birthday love! Feels good to be 27 again right? :D

  18. Yay! ¡Feliz Cumpleaños, Jenny! Welcome to the 30ths! Now your in the same club as me. Because I'm so happy to have you here with me, I will not fuel your "I'm really 27" delusion, but I will let you borrow any boyfriend from my harem for the day, but he must be returned promptly at midnight. The awesomeness of my generosity knows no bounds, right?

    Oh, and you are such a good sharer, Jenny. As your fangirl/stalker, I often wonder what it is you like to do on special occasions. Now that I know you allow people to grope your bare bits, I'll make plans to visit on your next b-day.

    I hope your day is as awesome as you are!

  19. Amanda - Seriously. It's the stuff of nightmares isn't it? He's just...concentrating so hard. And the most inappropriate things always pop into my head when I critique covers:)

    Rummanah - Thank you! All three of these totally made my day:)

    Sam - I try:) I'm going to start practicing my aggressive sexy face in the mirror. I want to make sure I get it right the next time I put my boobs on display:)

    Missie - Thank you so much:) And your generosity is astounding, I'm truly humbled. Now who to choose...

    Also, you're welcome to feel my tits up any time ;-)

  20. Ha! Happy 27th birthday, Jenny! ;) I just recently celebrated my 21st birthday, for the 10th year in a row. lol

    I love your cover critiques! The second one had me rolling, actually they ALL had me rolling! :)

    Happy birthday!

  21. Happy 27th Birthday Jenny! Even if you were 37, you'd be younger than me...and that is worth celebrating. Once again, these cracked me up. My favorite is the last one...I just don't get it. I'm very confused.

  22. Oh great..thank you! *shakes head* Now shifty eyes is gonna make me have nightmares.

    Happy birthday :)

  23. Ha! Girl you had me going with that confession bit. LOL

    Happy happy birthday darling.

    I hope it's grand!

  24. "Lovely lady locks" BWAHAHAHAHA! That is awesome. Seriously.

    And, *looks around* just to let you know, I also like to strip naked on my birthday and let people grope me. It's not a real birthday until that happens.

    And OMG, BLOW UP DOLL! I didn't know that's what you wanted! I would have sent one. Her face is so freaking weird. I think it is something to do with the position of her breasts and her face and blow up doll just really nicks it.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, happy birthday to you, happy 27th birthday to Jenny, happy birthday to YOU! You are officially younger than me. Rock it!

  25. Christy - Thank you! Us twenty-somethings really need to stick together ;-)

    Melissa - Thank you, glad you enjoyed it!

    Pam - Thank you! I don't get the last one either. It's baffling. And awesome beyond words.

    Linda - You. Are. Welcome. Shifty eyes gave me nightmares last night:)

    Juju - :-) Just wanted to put that little tidbit out there.

    Jen - TEAM JENNY. That is all.

  26. Ha ha, these cover are so bad! You've totally made me think it's a Friday with this post, Jenny. As if I didn't enough trouble figuring out what day it is ...

    Lol, Happy 27th Birthday, Jenny! I hope the day is as awesome as you are and that you get what you want.

  27. Farting balloons and flying away! That is the best. Thanks for sharing that you like to strip naked and thrust out your breasts, I bet that gets your husband off the video games in a hurry!
    Happy Birthday my dear Jenny! You are only as old as you think you are!

  28. First off, happy birthday!! Hip-hip-hooray to whatever age you want to be!! 30 was a good year for me. Hope it is for you, too.

    And how can it not be, with all those lovely covers there. Or scary, depending on how you look at them. Between the freaked-out girl farting balloons for you and the creepy king offering you his magnificently manly sword, it's definitely going to be a good year. A very good year, indeed.


    First... Happy 21st! You can't be any older than that! I won't believe it!

    Second... LOVE the cover critiques! That first one... I swear... stalker face! Oh, think GaGa would do a song like that?

    Oh and btw, you have now cursed me with thinking all balloons now have fart gas in them. My brain will keep that image with me forever. LOL

  30. This is HILARIOUS Jenny. Thanks for the great laugh.
    Happy Birthday wishes to you. Enjoy your special day!
    P.S.- I am your mother-in-law Cathy's friend.

  31. HAHAHHA!

    Happy Birthday Jenny!!! I hope you have a wonderful and blessed day :)

  32. Zahida - I know, I wish it was Friday! That'd be nice:) And thank you for the birthday wishes!

    Heidi - You're welcome. I thought everyone would really appreciate knowing that about me. And sadly, not even my naked breasts and my best aggressive sexy face would lure him away from Black Ops. *sigh*

    Mary - Thank you! And yes, the King of Swords is pointing the way to good things. Obviously:)

    Melissa - Keep with your current beliefs, I like where they're at right now. And you're welcome for the fart balloon visual.

    Pam - Thank you! And thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and comment:)

    Savy - Thank you!

  33. LOL That last cover is just awful! Great name...Mr. Gropey Groperson!

    Happy B-day :) 30s not so bad! In 3 years I turn...well I'm not going to say. I'm just glad I don't look or feel my age. Most people think I'm 20. Sometimes, people even think I'm 17.

  34. Happy Birthday!

    If the King of Swords ever came to my door, I wouldn't open the door period. In the last pic I don't see her coming out of a teacup, instead its a birthday cake to fo with your birthday theme.

  35. Happy Birthday! I turn 31 this year and I think it's getting just a bit scarier. I mean, last I checked I was 17, what happened?!

    That third one, yes! She looks like a blow up doll! Definitely kind of weird looking...
    The first cover isn't bad, but I agree his stare is a bit weird and creepy. I do like his chin though...

    Awesome critique as always!

  36. Happy birthday, Jenny! I hope you're having a wonderful day. :)

    I think my favorite out of all of these covers is the first one. The dude's face is just priceless! The "what did you just say?" expression is really weird, yet completely hilarious!

  37. Happy Birthday, Jenny! I did not realize when I asked you to celebrate my birthday that you were having one of your own! HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

    Why is Darla climbing out of a teacup?

  38. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Jenny! I loved my 30's because I grew more confident each year, so good things are ahead for you.

    Where on earth do you find these covers??? Thank you for the laughs, especially about the balloons emanating from her butt crack!

  39. Happy Birthday Jenny, come by and hold my "virtual" hand in June when I hit the big 50 then we will compare which decade is easier to enter.
    The second cover was a real "eye opener" and glad you shared your fetish so we could all enjoy the "visual"! LOL

  40. Firstly, HAPPY 27th BIRTHDAY, JENNY. Enjoy. ;)

    This post is LOL-inducing. Swordsman definitely has lovely lady locks *snorts*, Birthday Girl is trying to steal your gig, and Darla is in desperate need of a rescue.


  41. OH JENNY! I know this was your gift to yourself, but you've given me SO MUCH MORE.

    Today is a teacher workday, so the kids are home with me. They are staring at me wondering what on earth I'm laughing so hard and crying at the same time about. They want to look too, but I'm like - no guys, you just keep doing what you're doing.


  42. GAH! Even though I told you happy birthday yesterday on twitter, I feel like a BIG GINORMOUS DOUCHE for not being here on your actual TWENTY-SEVENTH birthday!!!

    I love you!!!!

    I quit having birthdays after 26. I am SURELY not turning 29 in November... No matter WHAT my drivers lisence says!


  43. LOL omg!! These covers... Especially the sword one *giggles* The last one is kind of.... horrible. And I wondered the same about the s! I so don't get it, lol.

    AND YAY ON YOU 27TH BIRTHDAY :D So awesome. Congratulations!! *throws confetti* And I missed it thanks to school. -.- But better late than never, right?

    As always, awesome cover critique! Love it! Lol

  44. Happy birthday! And thanks, once again, for the awesome cover critiques. This feature is my favorite of any blogs I visit; I really look forward to them.

  45. Oh shizzzz, Jenny! I just read this while sitting in class. Let me tell you, that is not a good combination! A) because the covers are awkward as heck and the people behind me probably think that I am googling soft porn and B) because I burst out laughing from this two lines:

    I like to strip naked, bust out my best aggressive sexy face, put my arms up over my head, and let people grope my boobs from behind

    Ellora's Cave got me a blow up doll for my birthday people. That is amazing. Best. Gift. Ever.


  46. Happy Belated Birthday!!

    *throws confetti*
    *passes Jenny a slice cake*

    Oh, those covers. I don't know how you find them, but you always manage to surprise (or permanently scar) me with your choices & commentary :D