Friday, December 9, 2011

Cover Critique: Glow Worms Are Sexy

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.


Do you need a minute? I'm pretty sure I do because this is a spectacularly brilliant cover (Get it? Brilliant? Because of the lighting? Right. Moving on.). First, I think we should start with the obvious: the glowing. I find myself flummoxed. Baffled. Confused. Dare I say befuddled? The title is telling us Romeo has been unleashed, but from where I ask you? A radioactive drum? Is he an escaped science experiment who must be naked at all times because his radioactivity won't allow clothes to stay on his body? Is he also magnetic? Because that woman is plastered to his back with her face adhered to his shoulder like she's stuck there as a result of some unseen force.

Here's the plot scenario I'm picturing: Our Romeo has escaped or been set free from some sort of medical or scientific experiment gone wrong, and since that slimy smirk seems to imply he's a wee bit cocky, I'm going to go with he's elected to not wear any articles of clothing in the hopes that both his animal magnetism and his weird glowing will attract the ladies. The cover comes to us a few moments after he's lured in his first female, and he's turning to look at us to say "Heh. Look at what my radioactive nudity just accomplished. I'm impressive, no? Wait till you see what else I can make light up."

Which leads me to my next line of questioning. I think you all know where I'm headed, so let's not be shy about it because we're all mature here. *snort* Do you think his junk glows in the dark? I just have visions of him using his manhood like a flashlight to prowl around at night in search of women, and when he finds one, he blinks his pecker on and off in a firefly-like mating ritual (I have no idea if blinking is actually a mating ritual for fireflies, but let's just go with it, okay?) to draw them in before his strong magnetic pull overtakes them. Just think of all the power his special cock light grants him! He should write the people responsible for his odd glow a thank you note, because with that ridiculous chia-pet-like hair and that "I'm a bit of a douche" expression (which I fear may be his only one) he would sadly be naked woman-free otherwise I think.

Random side note: Do you think he's packing pen light type equipment down there or Maglite heavy duty flashlight type equipment? Too much inappropriate junk speculation going on here you say? You're probably right. But I bet you're all now scrolling back up to examine his knee-covered crotch more closely aren't you? And I'm going with pen light. That is all.

I'm sure you all know by now that I love coming up with my own theories behind these covers and enjoy guessing what they could be about before looking up the blurb and seeing how far off I am, so I of course tracked the synopsis down to see if it could enlighten me (Enlighten! Ha! Cleverness, thou hath met your match in me;-) *congratulates self* I'm on a roll today):

When Christine spies hunky vamp Romeo across a crowded bar, flirtation turns to mind-blowing sex and sex to deeper feelings. They won't give each other up but their secrets may drive them apart.

Huh. That was quite possibly the least informative blurb ever written. Super. Is the glowing one of the secrets that will drive them apart? I think my wiener flashlight/radioactive magnet scenario is more entertaining, so I'm going to pretend the above synopsis doesn't exist and that our Romeo is instead just a man channeling his inner glow worm in an effort to find true love. Or mind-blowing sex. Whichever.

Happy Friday Everyone!

39 comments:

  1. Oh my god this cover is insane! They look like Sims characters!

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  2. LOL hahaha
    "Do you think his junk glows in the dark?"

    I just fell of the couch and am rolling around on the floor. LMFAO! You are brilliant. Your critique just made my evening! I think I love you. That is all :D

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  3. lmao you rock and yep that cover is freaky.

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  4. I think I actually shuddered when I first saw this...ick!

    Manhood as a flashlight? LOL That could be useful ;)

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  5. Oh my gosh, that cover looks so... LOL!!!!!!!! x) I don't like nude covers in general, but glowing nude ones take that to another level! And I loved your guess about the whole romeo-vs-science-experiments thing, Jenny! SO FUNNY!!

    Loved your critique, Jenny!! I think your scenario was way more entertaining too! ;) <3

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  6. Glow worm, glow worm, GLOW! I'm with you, I think he's totally packing pen-light equipment. The glow is compensation for the small packaging.

    But, seriously! That hair! Ug. It's like he borrowed the stylist for The Russian from Rocky 4 in the hopes it would grant him the same love of a country. Romeo! You're too little too light! (see what I did there. Puns are fun.) Now I have an entire eye of the tiger scenario running through my head. I'm stopping now.

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  7. Morgan - They do:) I love the digitally rendered people covers, they make me happy!

    Evie - It's a valid question I think ;-) The rest of him glows, so it's only logical to assume his boy parts do as well. Wouldn't that be a surprise when you got down there!

    Jessica - Thank you;) I did a happy dance when I found it:)

    Juju - Hahaha! At least you wouldn't have to invest in batteries anymore right?

    Mimi - Glowing nude does take it a whole new level of awesome. And since this says Blood Brothers 3, that means there are more out there. WIN!

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  8. Jen - Puns are fun ;-) I couldn't stop myself from punning, it just happened. And I think you could be right that he's compensating with the glow. Poor pen light Romeo:(

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  9. Remind me NOT to have my chai tea when I read your post, k? I was choking from laughing so hard. WOW..just WOW. At first I thought they were Ken and Barbie siting on top of a Spotlight. LOL! Happy Friday, Jenny!

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  10. Muwahaha! I just spewed coffee on my netbook from laughing too hard. Thanks. LOL

    "Wait till you see what else I can make light up" - oh, lordy, I'm dying here. Now THAT's a pickup line guaranteed to get the girls...if by get we mean make them run for the hills... LOL

    I officially submit a petition for you to track down the rest of this series for further review and analysis. *flutters eyelashes* Pretty please? ;)

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  11. They look like SIMS! Like Avatars! I think I plain cover with just writing would be better than this.

    Oh, and Jenny? The fact that you look like such a sweet, down-to-earth chick in your picture, but then you write things like, "Just think of all the power his special cock light grants him!" thrills me to no end. Happy Friday!

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  12. Oh Jenny Jenny....

    Do you remember Glow Worms?? They were really popular little toys when I was like 5 and they would glow in the dark but the head would get the brightest...LOL...I will thinking about glowing head man junk all day today...:D

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  13. Come to think of it, the worm toys kinda looked like Penis's with smiley faces...what sick bastard would make a toy like that for little kids????!!!


    ;O

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  14. I am starting to think he glows because he has nothing down there..ahem

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  15. Rummanah - Should I post a "don't eat or drink while reading" warning? Maybe I should:) Love that I seem to be making people spit things out today. WIN!

    BJ - I accept your challenge and I will be locating Blood Brothers 1 and 2. Just you wait for it:)

    Linds - They do! There are so many like this out there, it was hard to narrow it down. And I chose that picture of me and Grif just to throw people off, I think it hides my dirty mind and mouth quite well ;-)

    Tina - You thinking about glowing head man junk all day today means I have done my job to the best of my ability and I can now sleep well at night:)

    Blodeuedd - I think you may be right:)

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  16. That synopsis really doesn't tell you much about the book and the cover is a total turnoff (not that I read romances anyway).

    Jenny, I think you should totally think of becoming a consultant for cover designers. Even better, write a book and make your own cover. I can guarantee that there will be at least one person buying your book :)

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  17. WOAH. That is one awkward cover. =p I just love your commentary!! Teehee. I bet it does glow in the dark based on the cover. ;)

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  18. Dude. This may be THE WORST cover I've ever seen... I know- that's really bad.... But this is god awful!!!!

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  19. "...in a firefly-like mating ritual"

    ZOMG, Jenny THANK YOU for the hysterical laughter-inducing post. I wish I could comment on each amazingly-written and witty sentence in this post but then we'd be here all day. I love to hate this cover. It brought me to this post *lol*

    - Asher (from Paranormal Indulgence)

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  20. LOL! Are you kidding a glowing thingy1! HAHAH!
    LMAOF! Thank Jenny! I am going to be snorting about this all day!

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  21. "special cock light" is perhaps my favorite phrase in this entire post.

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  22. ROFL!! Yes, I did scroll up. You know me so well. ;D

    The only thing that occurred to me is that I never knew the sims came nekkid! :P

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  23. OMG, love these posts! Glowing junk, LOL. And I agree, least informative description EVER!

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  24. Zahida - I would so love to be a consultant:) And to design my own covers! That would be amazing:)

    Bailey - It totally does. The more I look at it the more I'm sure of it:)

    Ashley - Right? LOVE IT! It's CC Hall of Fame quality:)

    Asher - You're welcome ;-) Glad I could make you laugh. This one definitely made me snort when I saw it!

    Savy - Glowing thingys = WIN:)

    Amanda - Mine too:) Great minds think alike and all that:)

    Melissa - I did too. I actually stared at his crotch for quite a long time. It got awkward:)

    Candace - Wasn't it? It told me absolutely nothing. Why is he naked? Not all vampires walk around naked you know:)

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  25. LOL. I think out of all the covers I've seen you critique, this may be *the* best one (and by best I totally mean WORST). It's not even cheesy, it's just....yuck!

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  26. Wow that was way funny you have an interesting mind I like that lol. Definitely had me laughing.

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  27. hehe, oh man, do you have a gift in finding these travesties!

    Re: the glowing pecker thing. All I could think of was, "The light at the end of the tunnel."

    Ugh, brain bleach!!!!


    Smiles!
    Lori

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  28. Blahahaa!

    Is that a Maglite in your pocket or are you just happy to see me. Love it.

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  29. With the glow and the hair standing straight up, he looks like he's radioactive like you said - or he got struck by lightning. Crispy Romeo.

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  30. Weirdest cover - funniest post! (And yes, I did scroll back up!!)

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  31. Sandy - I think it might be my favorite one too. This one and The Very Virile Viking might be the best two:)

    Caitlin - Hahaha, yes I do have an interesting mind. These covers bring out my more...creative side:)

    Lori - HAHHAHAHAHA *dies*

    Missie - I'm so asking hubs that sometime in the future. He's going to be like "there's something wrong with you" :)

    Alison - Crispy Romeo! Hahaha! Love it:)

    Hannah - It can't be helped, you have to scroll back up and check:)

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  32. I love your puns :) You find the best covers ever.

    I'm going with pen light, too.

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  33. LOL omg!! Brilliant critique. ;) And that blurb definitely didn't give a lot of information. Inner glow worm... hahah.

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  34. That cover is just downright creepy. Where do you find these covers?

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  35. So she spied him across the bar because he glowed? I mean seriously he would stand out in a bar and about the junk---if he is highlighting that much I am going to guess pen light not mag light. :)

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  36. ROFL! Radioactive Romeo! I love it! Glowing junk! Omg, that's hilarious! I'm amazed by the covers that you find to share with us. These posts are the BEST!

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  37. I just have visions of him using his manhood like a flashlight to prowl around at night in search of women, and when he finds one, he blinks his pecker on and off in a firefly-like mating ritual (I have no idea if blinking is actually a mating ritual for fireflies, but let's just go with it, okay?) to draw them in before his strong magnetic pull overtakes them.

    Do you think he's packing pen light type equipment down there or Maglite heavy duty flashlight type equipment? Too much inappropriate junk speculation going on here you say? You're probably right.

    You would think that by now I wouldn't be shocked by anything that came out of your mouth (or more accurately, things that you type), but not so! Ican'tblievethetwopassagesthatyouwrotebutIamgladthatyoudidbecausetheywerehiliariousandIwaskindawonderingthesamething ;)

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  38. There is no such thing as too much inappropriate junk speculation, I say.

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