I just want to reiterate, before we all dissolve into fits of giggles, that this post is not meant to disrespect Ellora's Cave or their authors. That being said, perusing their website yesterday in search of material was perhaps the greatest day of my life. It was a veritable buffet of awesomeness just begging for my brand of snark, with page after page of spectacularly brilliant covers. Now, not all of their covers are laughable, some of them are actually quite good (perhaps I'll pull some samples of those for you next week) which only makes the bad ones even worse as it's very clear they are capable of much better. This is going to be a 3 week special edition wherein I feature multiple covers because, really, there's just too much good stuff to go one at a time. I hope you all enjoy!
First: DEMON'S KISS
Huh. I'm not going to make a joke about our demon here being horny. I'm not. That would be lame and childish. Instead, I'm going to discuss, in all seriousness, the size of his horns. Much less childish. I think the naked chest clearly tells us that this is a romance novel and we can expect many a sexy moment in between these pages, knowing full well the gentlemen (or demons as the case may be) in these stories are always extraordinarily well-endowed, have the stamina of a marathon runner, and possess the sexual prowess of a god. Good for them. So I guess my question here would be this: why, assuming he's a lover of epic proportions, would they give him such tiny, stunted, and unfortunately curved horns? It makes me wonder if perhaps other parts follow suit. Pity.
Shouldn't he have huge, thick, magnificently masculine horns? Horns that are a testament to his unparalleled skill in the bedroom and make our eyes shift south as we long for maybe just a peek at what's hidden by the title? Maybe that's just me though. I have to say I'm not impressed with his pinky finger sized protrusions, so he can keep his kiss and everything else that goes along with it until he grows a few more inches. Just saying.
Second: JEWELS OF THE NILE
Is it me, or does he seem intensely fascinated by what's happening in his pants? He looks as though he's not quite sure what's going to be revealed when he slides that denim those last few inches, and I'm pretty sure if he's concerned about what's going on with his manly bits, then I definitely want no part of them.
Shouldn't he be looking at us? Trying to seduce us with his eyes as he teases us with the low-slung unzipped jeans? I wonder if this is how things play out in the bedroom as well–his partner does all the work while he simply admires his junk, of which he has undoubtedly named something hyper-masculine. Aw, yeah. Good times to be had by all I think.
I do have to give the designer props on the text placement though. The "s" in jewels and "l" in Nile hit just the right spot don't they? Right in his crotch amidst the goods that have him so enthralled. Well done indeed.
Third: VISION CONTROLLER
People, where has his neck gone? He's like a little naked turtle. I feel like this head and this body are not the same person, and for a reason I cannot fathom, they have photoshopped a head on an already existing shirtless body. He's got his brows raised and forehead crinkled as though he's as confused about how he came to be in this situation as we are. It's okay my friend, we feel your pain, you are not alone in this.
If we were to suspend belief for a moment and pretend this head and body match, it almost seems as though he's ducking to fit his head on the cover before the Ellora's Cave Twilight bar crops it right off. We also have the author's name trying to make its way into his ear, leaving this poor guy with hardly any room at all so it's no wonder he's out of sorts.
I think he's supposed to be some sort of shifter, though if he's not, he's going to want to have the weird dark patches on his arm looked at by a specialist. His lower arm looks practically gangrenous, like it could rot off at any moment. It also appears as though there is some sort of wood paneled wall behind him to suggests he's indoors, but right around his nonexistent neck are strange patches of grass. Fur? Is he a chia pet? So, just to sum up, he's a neck-less naked man suffering from gangrene while random parts of his body sprout grass-like fur. Glorious, just glorious.
Have a great weekend everyone and stay tuned next week for part 2 !
