Friday, August 5, 2011

Cover Critique: The Goods

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

Warning: This week's critique is probably not appropriate for workplace viewing and young eyes should be covered ;-)

Ungh. When I first came across this cover I blew snot all over my computer screen as a result of a decidedly unfeminine combination of a laugh/snort that had me thankful I work from home and therefore had no witnesses to the strangled noise and accompanying spittle that escaped me upon seeing Secret Santa. I'm actually having trouble typing I'm laughing so hard and I just can't bring myself to stop staring at his black-clad goods. LOOK AWAY JENNY! I've been trying to avert my gaze for the past five minutes, but his package calls to me. It clearly wants me to look at it and so I'm going to accommodate its desires.

I'll give you all a minute to fully absorb his tiny black panties and his bulbous assets before we move on.


Okay, there's really not a lot to move onto is there? This cover is just really all about his junk. There's no escaping it. It's all up in my face and the electric green "W" in Wadsworth just seems to be propping things up a bit doesn't it? And then there's the seam running down the middle of the microscopic piece of fabric covering his groin and I find myself continuously dissolving into fits of immature giggles the longer I look at this.

He seems to be pretty pleased with himself if that little smirk on his lips is any indication. He's got his hands (which seem a touch feminine to me) roaming his muscled torso, all "I'm a sexy hairless beast aren't I?", and I think it's safe to assume that if we could see his eyes they'd be glued south of the border just as ours are. I have to say the "secret" part of this title doesn't seem entirely fitting given there's not a whole lot left to the imagination and I'm extremely confident I know way more about this cover model than I ever wished to.

Seriously, I can't stop staring at it. Demon package release your hold on me!

Okay, sorry. Let's take a look at a different cover that is a touch sexier for all the things we can't see.

Ah, there we go. Sweet relief. I can look at this photo without having his manhood burned into my retinas forevermore. Aside from the strange skin condition he seems to have on his left shoulder (or does he have clouds floating past him?), this is a much more appealing cover I think. His junk is safely contained in underwear that will not haunt me for the rest of my days and we get teased just a little with the unzipped fly, but thankfully get to use the glory of our minds for the rest.

The smoke around his crotch is slightly problematic however, we seem to have moved on from a not-so-secret twig and berries to a flammable twig and berries. I'm beginning to rethink the mental safety of this cover. If he was a firefighter, the smoke might make sense but that very shiny, very photoshopped-in U.S. Marshal badge is irrefutable evidence of his profession, which means his crotch is emitting smoke without him being in the presence of actual flames and that is downright disturbing. Is there so much friction in his pants that at times he spontaneously combusts? Or maybe his one-eyed snake breathes fire? He's so talented! Perhaps if he covered his business in black satin like a certain nameless Santa, he wouldn't have this problem. Obviously his cotton/denim combination isn't doing him any favors much to my chagrin.

I still think I prefer a crotch that bursts into flames to a crotch that causes me to redecorate my computer screen with spit because I'm laughing uncontrollably though. What do you guys think?

Happy Friday Everyone!


  1. I think I'm going to avoid referencing the first cover lest we get...erm...stuck on IT again.

    What I like about the Takedown cover is parallel between the title and what he is doing with his pants. Win.

  2. Oh Lord! I laughed so hard at the first picture it caused my husband to come see what was so funny. Of course, I had to show him the pic. He just shook his head and quickly left to go get me a milkshake like a good hubby should. Apparently it does have the same 'hold' on straight men as it does the rest of us.

    I look forward to Friday just for this feature.

  3. I know this is silly, but I CAN'T UNSEE IT. And I'm trying to contain giggles :p Ohh crotch shots :P

  4. LMAO. Who in the world think that a bright green g-string (well I assuming it is a g-string) is sexy. Eeeww! And yes his hands do seem strangely lady like. Another outstanding post Jenny :)

  5. LOL! That first pose is a bit feminine - it looks like he's presenting his breasts to us!

    As soon as I saw the second cover, once I got over the hotness, I saw the steam coming from his pants and thought "he needs a wash". It looks like those stink fumes you see in cartoons.

    Love this post :D

  6. Lol *tries not the look at the crotch*

  7. You are so right about the first pick it is burned into my brain now, and his girlie hands are disturbing. The second one isnt so bad, but like you said hes got something going on down there, maybe he needs some ointment. I love these cover critiques.... they make me laugh everytime.

  8. I'm mostly trying to figure out what he's looking at in the first one. He's doing the pose of a man who has to move his gut out of the way to see down there, but he has no gut, so mostly I think he's just admiring himself, which is an even bigger turn off than the teeny tiny panties - no man should wear smaller and more feminine underwear than me, it just doesn't work.

    I'm slightly concerned about the glowing metal badge - maybe that's why he's in a rush to get his trousers off?

    I really don't understand who comes up with these covers sometimes.

  9. HILARIOUS post . . . highlight of my Friday mornings! Jenny, you outdid yourself this week.

  10. I just want to know who in their right mind thought that Secret Santa cover was A Good Idea. Because it isn't. I hope it's in teh adult only section of the bookstore all nicely locked up because if I can't look away, I'm sure a five year old can't and that can lead to some pretty awkward questions. The second cover seems so tame next to the first, I can so deal with the smoke and the weird skin thing he's got going.

  11. LOL- Omgosh I thought that guys hands were a female behind him...until you said look at his hands!! LOL- his package seems kinda small...sorry secret santa I just hurt you manhood..but...after seeing the sack of potatoes in Channing Tatum's underwear I will never be the same!!!

  12. LOL! HA! Burn my retinas! You are so lucky I was not drinking coffee at the moment I clicked on your page! LOL! I'm going to be snickering all day!

  13. Amanda - Total win. I didn't even notice that parallel, I think I was too traumatized by Santa up there:)

    Rachel - I did the same thing! The hubs came to investigate my hysterics and then just looked at me, looked at the computer screen, and then walked back in the other room. His loss ;-)

    Audrey - Right? That image will haunt me for weeks.

    Nic - I have no idea. I keep waiting for me to find it sexy instead of hilarious and it's just not happening:)

    Belle - It does look like cartoon fumes. Poor guy with his smelly crotch:(

    Blodeuedd - Keep trying. I haven't managed it yet:) *stares*

    Laura - I know. I figured if I had to suffer from seeing it, all of you should too:) And second guys crotch certainly needs something doesn't it?

    Megan - He's totally in self-adoration mode. He should re-think his choice of underwear before that ego gets too big though.

    Anonymous - Thank you! I try:)

    Kris - I think it's an e-book only, so children everywhere are safe unless they stumble upon the publisher's website. Or my blog:) I definitely choose smoke over demon package too:)

    Tina - I did too! I was like who is behind him? And then I looked closer and harder (not at his jewels dammit, at his hands! Okay, also at jewels) and saw they were in fact his hands. And Channing definitely had some stuff going on in that picture! He had to have stuffed some potatoes or something down there:)

    Savy - Doesn't it? This image stayed with me all last night. Not in a good way:)

  14. Yes, I agree with Megan... It's like he's holding himself in to look down at his "package." But maybe it's that Santa is admiring all the weight he's lost b/c he looks almost anorexic!

  15. LOL
    What a junktastic post.
    I think I love these covers ;)

  16. JENNY!

    Unfortunately, I am at work and the giggling noises I'm making while tears well out of my eyes is probably completely inappropriate, but like you, I can't stop staring. I mean that seam is fascinating.

    Looks like Lindsay Lohan can finally relinquish that fire crotch moniker.

    P.S. If you need me, I'll be hanging out at the top of this post for the rest of the day. K. Thanks.

  17. GEEZ! My mouth was open for awhile because of that first cover. =o Honestly, he seems to be too in love with himself so he is so unappealing. =P And the second cover is much better but the smoky affect is a bit weird! Haha! ;)

  18. Oh god! Hahaha. That first cover made me do a double-take. I don't know how someone could actually carry that around!
    The second one isn't as bad, you're right--just the victim of poor Photoshopped filters and State Marshall badges. :P

  19. So True about the Crotch.
    I rather just see a hint of underwear (like peeking from the pants that are about to come off) than have the goods on display.

    I makes me think of a cold-cuts market display for some reason...

    OK, too much info!

    Anyway, what really bugs me of the first cover - aside from the crotch hugging speedos - is his smirk.

  20. Jen - He is the slimmest Santa I've ever seen:)

    Juju - LOL! Thank you, I thought so:)

    Missie - Isn't it? It's held my attention for hours now. We can hang out at the top of the post together ;)

    Bailey - Mine as well. It's impossible not to gape really, everything is just kind of on display:)

    Lauren - Made your day didn't it? ;-) I don't know how men carry that stuff around either, I would be fidgeting and adjusting all day long:)

    Alex - HAHAHAHAHA cold cuts. Love it:)

  21. OMG! Did you read the synopsis for that first cover?! ROTFL! I am going to pee my pants! Mixed with that cover, HAHAHAHA, it's just the perfect Friday pick! I am also glad I word from home! Seriously, my ribs hurt now!

    As for the second, I think he should see a doctor. His skin worries could be some kind of contagious leprosy. Or maybe he's been buttered and set in the sun too long. I'd still spank him!:D

    In the Closet With a Bibliophile

  22. Jenny, you are so flippin' hilarious! My first thought when that cover, um, popped up: Nice package, Santa! LOL. (I crack myself up.) Love this one!
    Mary @ BookSwarm

  23. "and the electric green "W" in Wadsworth just seems to be propping things up a bit doesn't it?"

    THAT made me snort!! LOLOLOLOL!

  24. LOL thinks for the warning. What really got me laughing is that he's ataring down and appreciating his goods.

  25. Good Lord, that first cover could do more to demolish Christmas than the Grinch! But the model is certainly impressed with himself. Perhaps he's hoping his package will compensate for his girly hands!

    Thanks for making me laugh...and usual!

  26. Hahaha I started reading this at a WEDDING REHEARSAL. I started giggling uncontrollably when the preacher was talking, and I have never had so many unfriendly eyes looking at me. I should read these posts when I am at home. Alone.

  27. Jen - I need to go read the blurb asap, I'm sure it's beyond brilliant:)

    Mary - Thank you, Thank you, glad you enjoyed:) And Santa certainly has quite the package doesn't he?

    Ash - Well, it is. They couldn't have moved the name down a little so the serifs in the "w" aren't tickling his jewels?

    Jenny - You're welcome. I thought it might be necessary lest someone stumble across the image unexpectedly and find themselves traumatized:)

    Alyssa - Right?! I'll never look at a mall Santa the same again:)

    Lindsi - Oops:) Just show them the picture when the rehearsal is over, they'll understand!

  28. Jenny at least thank goodness cover one model does not have on a ManKini, and yes the second one has the emotional impact that leads to using your imagination in a "good way" instead of going off on a tangent like the first one! Thanks for livening all of our Friday's up.

  29. Not only did the first cover crack me up, but the comments are hilarious! The first pic-the guy is WAY too into himself. And the second pic-did he forget where he was and set off a smoke bomb?

  30. "His package calls to me" HAHAHA!! Between you and Missie... I cannot read your posts back to back!!! Or else I am the one blowing snot all over everything!!!!

    And if you ever actually come across a crotch that can burst into flames... TAKE A PICTURE!

  31. Jackie - ManKini!!! Love it. Well, I don't love it per se, just the name:) The actual Mankini is disturbing:)

    Brandy - People's comments on the Friday critiques are always my favorite part:)

    Ashley - Well, it does. I dare anyone to look away from it. It's nearly impossible to do so:)

  32. Alright, I have to admit. Before I even started reading what you thought about the Secret Santa cover, I practically had the exact same reaction. My husband and his friend are sitting in the next room talking and right when I react to the cover, they get extremely quiet wondering what the hell I'm looking at.


  33. Why is that guy looking down at his junk and smiling? And why does he have lady hands?

    *dies of laughter*

  34. I've been actually avoiding this post because I can't look away either. LOL But I finally resigned to the fact that I must comment. No man should wear a thong. Plain and simple! Well, unless they work for Chippendale. As for the smoke, I don't know what's up with that at all. They should have made him a Fire Marshal instead of a US. Marshal.

  35. If you look closely at the smoke in Mr. Takedown's picture, you'll see quite a disturbing picture on both his shoulder and his bvd's.

  36. Immature giggling, ahoy! Like you, I just can't takes these seriously in the slightest.

  37. OMG, I thought those hands belonged to a woman standing behind him, I didn't realize they were his until you pointed it out. Ick!

  38. LOL, "flammable crotch". And yeah, he is an extremely skinny santa claus.

  39. *giggles* I had this up when my mom wanted to talk to me. I read her some of what you said and she LOL'd!!! :D I can't say more than that. :D

  40. Oh. Dear. God.

    Might just be me, but if a cover like these make you lol, they're probably not good covers. I mean, they're supposed to entice/excite a reader, yeah? But if all you can do is giggle/snort at the...situation, then methinks the artists might've gone a bit too far, IMHO.

    (And no worries, I totally snerked, too.) :)


  41. That first cover is classic! He should really have fuzzy red underwear instead of black. It clashes with the Santa thing.

  42. How on earth did you FIND these??? Love, love, love these critiques. I know I don't always comment on them but you seriously are one funny woman, J!

  43. I think your frickin' hilarious, that's what I think! Thanks for the laughs!!


  44. Ugh xD That is just so horrible :D i really like your critiques :) I think I could find you some more cover to critigue because I´m from Czech Republic and we have sometimes so horrible covers! For example this: It is czech cover for evermore and I really hate it!

  45. Oh my... I totally just looked at this at work and about died LOL. That can't be for real. It just can't be...

  46. The first cover is deadly. My eyes are still in pain... Thank you! That was amazingly bad! :))) New follower

  47. Hahahaha I'm your newest follower! Looking forward to reading your other cover critiques :D So funny, yet true!!!

  48. I LOVE this feature! You make me laugh so hard every time. I also sprayed my screen when I saw that first cover. Oh, that sounded kinda nasty, huh?

  49. Thanks for the laughs! :D I'll take the flaming crotch man over the not-so-secret santa, please. I'm confused about the first book. It doesn't look like he needs a lady. He seems happy with himself, which I think would make for a pretty boring book...