Thursday, November 24, 2011

Cover Critique: A Black Friday Treat

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

Warning: This week's critique is more adult in nature

In honor of Black Friday and the unofficial start to the holiday season, I thought it was only fitting to share this gem with you to help get that holiday spirit flowing. Always thinking of others, that's me. Now, when you first look at this cover you may think to yourself "Self, in comparison to some of the other things Jenny's come up with, this really isn't so bad." And you'd be right. Aside from the fact that he's lime green and has a strange vein situation happening on that right shoulder, there's nothing overly absurd about this cover. But wait for it. Would I ever share something with you that wasn't completely hilarious? No. So prepare yourselves, because the ridiculousness really comes into play with the synopsis. Enjoy:

For years, Trisha has searched for the perfect man. One who is taller than her and who would dominate her in the bedroom as well as sharing his heart with her. Hood is clan leader of his planet's military. His father, king of Zion, is a very dominant man, so it’s no wonder Hood does his father's bidding and helps St. Nick deliver Christmas presents to Earth. However, when Hood's mother poses as a sales clerk and convinces Trisha to buy a huge green dildo, Christmas takes on a whole new meaning. Trisha finds her lover, Hood gets his mate, and Christmas night turns into one full of erotic screams and sexy demands. Who would've thought a giant green dildo could bring Trisha the man of her dreams?

*falls down dead*

*still dead*

*can't breathe through the tears*

Okay. I've recovered ever-so slightly. Have you? Of course you haven't because that synopsis is almost too amazing to comprehend. I bet I've stunned you all into a kind of a I-can't-believe-that's-what-it-actually-says silence. Believe my friends, believe. The green dildo is real. My mind can't even wrap itself around what was said enough to come up with a coherent critique, so I'd like to just dissect a few elements of that blurb. Here we go.

1. Hood's father is a dominant man. Got it. How exactly does dominance relate to his military-leader son delivering Christmas presents to the little teacup humans of Earth? You have no idea? Me either. Moving on.

2. Hood's mother (wife of a dominant man people!) just decides to up and come to Earth to work in an adult toy store? What are her qualifications? I feel like we are to assume that Hood's kinky mom knew Trisha was going to be shopping for a dildo for Christmas (as you do) so she insinuated herself into this store at just the right time. Super. Does anyone else find it extraordinarily creepy that Trisha's soon-to-be lover's mother helped pick her out a giant green dildo? I have to say my mother-in-law has been giving me stockings full of goodies for going on ten years now and there has been nary a sex-related gift in any of them. Clearly, I got the short end of the mother-in-law stick. Shame.

Cathy, if you're reading this, please work on that okay? Let's ratchet up the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law awkwardness a few notches and create some drama shall we? If there are no weird and inappropriate gifts waiting for me in a month's time I'm going to be wildly disappointed. Make it happen.

3. I'm a bit baffled as to how the magic green dildo leads Trisha to Hood. There's no mention in there about them meeting at all, it just says she gets the green wang substitute and then *POOF* Hood has his mate. Whuh? Is it like a genie-in-a-bottle situation? She rubs the green penis and Hood appears in all his strange present-delivering glory? What a bizarre way for two people to meet. Imagine relaying this information to friends and family over a champagne toast at your wedding:

"It's a funny story really. You'll laugh. I was lonely and shopping for a way to lend myself a hand in the romance department, and wouldn't you know it, but I happened to meet Hood's mother in the sex shop! What are the odds right? *deep sigh* Anyway, she knew all about dildos and helped me pick out a HUGE green one that she thought would work just perfect for me and Well, things get a little hazy after that to be honest, I must have been in a fog of lust using my new gift and can't quite remember a few details! *high pitched giggle* The important thing is at some point in there Hood showed up and declared me his mate. The End. Cheers!"

4. Last, but certainly not least, why is the guy on the cover green? The synopsis very clearly states that only the dildo is green, there is no mention of Hood (and seriously, Hood is his name?) being green at all. I guess I prefer this verdant fellow to an image of a giant dildo because that could quite possibly damage all my delicate sensibilities (*snort*) and then I wouldn't be able to do future critiques justice as I would be forced to rip my eyes from their sockets to escape such a sight. So, let's all take a moment and be thankful for our leg-less, hand-less, and apparently seasick gentlemen for saving us from a far worse fate. Hood, we thank you.

Happy Friday Everyone!

*An enormous thank you to Amanda from On a Book Bender for finding this masterpiece and sending it my way!


  1. After much thought, I have come to the conclusion that Hood IS the giant green dildo. I simply cannot figure out another reasonable explanation. This still leaves a lot of questions, of course, but it's the best I have got.

  2. I agree w/ Amanda. Hood must be the giant green dildo. Win!

  3. Everybody sing along now: "It's not easy being green....."

    Or perhaps: "In the valley of the Jolly (ho, ho, ho) Green Giant."

    Oh my. Oh my. Oh my.

  4. Wow. That is all. Also, I marvel at Amanda's ability to think rationally right now. Though somehow, I'm sure the answer is just as crazy as that blurb.

  5. Amanda - So it is a genie type situation! That thought just opens a whole new can of worms though doesn't it? I mean, at what point does he, um, reveal himself? Ick.

    Smash - Total win. I kind of want to read this just to find out the truth:)

    Lisa - I'll never look at the Jolly Green Giant the same way again.

    Kris - Wow about sums it up really:)

  6. You do realize of course that the new Muppet movie was released today - I will say no more as I am speechless

  7. Oh my. I honestly can't imagine what reading that book would be like! Part of me would be rolling on the floor laughing, and part of me would be shocked that something like this even exists! Haha. This is definitely one of the most absurd-sounding books out there! :P

  8. LOL oh. my. god. ._. The green dildo, hahahhaha. Yeah, that's definitely something unique there. I keep getting fascinated with these things, lol. Great post!

  9. JENNY. You make my day. :')

    LOL I was wondering why he was green too!!! And the words "green dildo" in the summary literally made me burst out laughing, even though it's only seven a.m. here and my mom is still sleeping! x) So funny!

    I think the other girls might be right! Hood = green dildo. That might take away from his hotness factor, just a little bit! :P

  10. I thought this was going to be some type of Incredible Hulk Christmas romance thing, but you've topped with with the dildo. I can't wait to hear what your mother-in-law gets you for Christmas. :)

  11. Denise - I didn't realize that came out today even after Lisa's comment! Awesome:) *dies even more*

    Lauren - My curiosity might get the better of me and I might have to break down and determine for sure whether Hood is the dildo.

    Zahida - Right? It's phenomenal, I love it:)

    Rebecca - They fascinate me as well, I can't help but love them:)

    Mimi - I think I might had a coughing fit when I hit the world "dildo". Here I thought this was going to be some strange alien-christmas type thing but never could I have imagined there would be a giant green dildo involved. So amazing.

    Jennifer - Hahaha! I know she'll read this post, so maybe my Christmas this year will be super entertaining:)

  12. OMG you had me at dildo (never thought I'd say that). LOL. WOW! LOL

    He is pretty hot. He reminds me of Jesse Metcalfe.

  13. OMG. I can't believe that you said this Jenny!

    Cathy, if you're reading this, please work on that okay? Let's ratchet up the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law awkwardness a few notches and create some drama shall we? If there are no weird and inappropriate gifts waiting for me in a month's time I'm going to be wildly disappointed. Make it happen.

    I hope that she did read it and brought it up during your Thanksgiving dinner! ;)

  14. OMG! This is not happening! Seriously WTH!

    And yeah why is he green? lol.

  15. I didn't think it could get weirder or more outrageous, but it has! OMG! I was dying when I read the part about the dildo. That is priceless!

  16. Yes, Cathy! Let's makes this happen.

    And seriously, how did I not know that a huge green dildo would lead to the man of my dreams... Now I've got to remake my Christmas wishlist.

  17. LOL, I was wondering where the naughty thing would be.

  18. Juju - The dildo's really what got me as well. So, so awesome:)

    Avery - Hahaha! I knew she would read it, that's why I called her out specifically:) She told me she's going to buy me a dildo and make me open it in front of everyone ;-) Christmas win.

    Nina - Oh, but it is. I just couldn't possibly make this up, it's too brilliant:)

    Christina - It can always get weirder, that's something I've learned while writing these:)

    Missie - Ha! I had a long phone conversation with her this morning about it:) And who would have thought a dildo would bring so much Christmas joy? Just brings a tear to my eye thinking about it ;-)

    Rummanah - Yep, can't really miss the naughty part when you read the blurb. o_O

  19. You are SO going to share what you get for Christmas from the MIL!!! ROFL

    Plus, his NAME is Hood??? *dies*

    This one had me in tears!

  20. Oh my dear goodness. I should not have read this in the company of others because my laughter and snorting is making everyone say "What?" and no way in heck am I reading that to my mother, lol. I do appreciate a good laugh though and oh my goodness, did I laugh!

  21. Sorry, I'm back-had to change me undies.

    I think that pretty much says it all :o]

  22. Dead.

    Nope, still dead.

    What the hell?!!! Hood?!?!? (Name for my firstborn.)

    Dildo? Holy mother of all things holy hahahahaha still dead. You kill me.

  23. Whut???

    I don't even....that synopsis...whut????

    Where on earth did you find this gem?


  24. That's quite something. Is it a self-pubbed book? Sounds like one of those - it's so bad it's good books.

  25. *laughs herself silly*

    Oh that blurb sure cheered me up

  26. HAHAHAHA! For real?! I'm going to laugh so hard if your mother-in-law totally drops some sex toy in your stocking this Christmas. That would be hilarious and awkward all at the same time! Best would be one of those toys that baffles the user of what it's intended purpose is. LMAO! That invisible bubble that mother-in-law's are not to cross regarding sex will be blown to smithereens!

    Sidenote: I guess my Christmas list was incomplete. I need to add "giant green dildo" underneath books. *goes to find Christmas list*

  27. HAHAHAHAHAHAH! I thought at first that is elfs were green! I was like WTH? I mean really, seriously they put out this cover!

  28. A BIG green man with a big green...hoo-boy! And now I'm picturing her rubbing that dildo just like a lamp and it granting her wish for a! Practically dying with laughter. Thanks for that!

  29. WOAH. This is so messed up and hilarious. LOL Thank you for sharing Jenny. I got in my laugh for today. ;)

  30. I..I don't even know where to begin! This just might be your best one yet :D

  31. I just don't know what to say. I'm speechless. Maybe he's the grinch and that's why he's forced to deliver presents? Hence the green? I've really got nothing. You really are so selfless. Thank you Jenny!!


  32. Oh, Jenny! I convinced someone to BUY this book. *dies*

  33. Ha! The cover is odd, but that synopsis takes it to a whole 'nother level.

    Hmm, I might have to start saving these posts to read for when I'm at fellow library patrons don't seem to appreciate my stifled giggles ;)

  34. LOL! I don't know... I think a green dildo on the cover would've made much more sense than a green Hood. It seems to be a pretty significant plot device from the synopsis.