Friday, April 13, 2012

Cover Critique: Whoa Naked

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. My intent is simply to have a bit of bit of fun and hopefully make people laugh.

Each time I do a cover critique, I challenge myself to find covers that are more soul-scarring, disturbing, or ridiculous than the last set and I often worry I won't be able to top the week prior in those particular areas. This week I really needn't have worried. I believe the crotch o'flame was pretty memorable a couple weeks ago, but the ones I have today I think will haunt most of you for the remainder of your lives. No thank you necessary my friends, I do this out of the goodness of my heart because I find such fulfillment in sharing snort-inducing images with all of you ;-)



*rubs eyes*

*falls down dead*

I don't really know what else to say other than you're welcome for the gift I have bestowed upon you all with this masterpiece of naked hairy weirdness. I feel like we all know each other well enough now that I can openly admit I'm a little traumatized by this gentleman. I may have trouble sleeping tonight. And if I'm traumatized simply by looking at this cover, how must that poor little bear feel pressed up against his no-doubt fuzzy goods? Our stuffed purple friend is going to need therapy, but I for one am extremely grateful for his presence as it hides a view I'm not sure I'd ever recover from if I saw it.

In addition to being super furry he's also incredibly shiny. You would think the hair would dull the shine a bit, but you'd be wrong. Through the forest of black fluffiness he glistens, a beacon of naked masculinity that's only slightly hindered by a violet stuffed animal standing (sitting?) guard to keep prying eyes off his most-prized bear appendage. Can't you just hear that as a voice over for this if it was a movie or audio book? Maybe I've missed my calling...

I don't know about you guys, but I like my fictional naked men to have a little confidence. Some self-assurance. Something that says "I'm naked, you're looking, so what of it? Let's make something happen." This fuzzy fellow looks extraordinarily uncomfortable (and really, who can blame him), but I think he could benefit from some lessons from naked bachelor number 2....


Shazam! He just exudes confidence doesn't he? He's got his cocky stance and his balled fists, not to mention his flowing hair and bulging muscles, all of which say he owns his nakedness and dares us to find fault in his physique. He's all "my twig and berries are so hot if you but kneel in their general vicinity you will be set aflame, forever branded by my glorious peen and my obvious sexual magnificence." Well said Fire Wolf, well said.

Were I in his shoes, I'm pretty sure I would be slightly apprehensive at the idea of fire in and around my nether regions, but clearly I'm not quite as secure in my physical perfection as he is so what do I know? He's doing his fist pump in the middle of the arctic wilderness bare as the day he was born, and he's got his woman on her knees literally burning for him. Apparently life is good when you're the Fire Wolf.


This cover just makes me happy. First, there's a unicorn and I happen to be a fan of all things equine. Second, his hair is amazing. Like a fairy-tale princess. Third, he's naked. Except for his CAPE. A cape people! And a lined one no less! Obviously you can't go around at night riding black unicorns without your cape. It's just unheard of. There would be whispers and rumors flying everywhere in society, so really, the cape is completely necessary to preserve modesty and propriety. Now we've all been schooled in Night Rides social etiquette, so when we decide to go out butt-arse naked and swing a leg over our trusty unicorns, we know a cape is required. Doesn't matter if boobs and boy parts are a bouncin' in the wind as long as a cape hides the more intimate parts of our bodies. Like our backs. Whew. That was a close call. I was minutes away from riding down to the mailbox sans cape and startling my mailman with my gross disregard for the rules. Fear not mailman, the crisis has been averted and all is well. Breasts on display? Check. Crotch in full view? Check. Back and butt cheeks covered? Double check.

I think perhaps even better than this cover is the blurb:

"Beware the virgin. Chastity brings death." 

Reiter has been living in the shadow of that prophecy for ten debauched years. He has built a herd of the fiercest warriors and the most sexually experienced women in the land. He has everything a prince could possibly want: unlimited sex, wealth, and too much power. Why then is he fascinated with the one woman who could hurt him the most?

CHASTITY BRINGS DEATH!!!!! That is perhaps the greatest line I've ever read. I literally smacked my forehead on my desk because my neck couldn't hold my head up under the force of my laughter. Gotta watch out for those tricky virgins, they're harbingers of evil they are. Don't let them seduce you with their innocent wiles, keep to the slutty ones! THE SLUTTY ONES WILL SAVE YOU PEOPLE! I feel as though back of his cape might read something like "there's safety in sluts" and he probably struts about wearing it with pride like a letterman jacket, letting it serve as a reminder to himself and everyone around him the dangers of virtue. Death awaits those on the road of purity my friends, you heard the prophecy. You know what you have to do. Get naked. Get a cape. Get riding.

My day has been made, how about yours? Happy Friday everyone!

*UPDATE: There seems to be some dispute as to whether the individual in the above cover is male or female. I'm going with male since the protagonist is male and those are some massive thighs for a woman, but it could go either way, and doesn't that just add to the fun ;-)


  1. Oh, Jenny, that poor purple bear. I think we need Fire Crotch from a few weeks ago to burn him up and put him out of his misery. I don't trust Fire Wolf, he may play fetch with it. And I just have no comment for Black Unicorn. Funny- I was reading purple bear to my 15 yr old son (it's so fun to embarrass teenagers, I try to do it as often as possible) and he was asking me to kill him now. I bet that was what the bear was thinking too!

    Thanks for the laughs!!

  2. Lol, I was a bit unsure whether the last one was a guy or a girl?

    Crotch bear?! 0_O

  3. Oh my gosh. I hope they threw the bear away after that photo shoot. Gross. And the guy isn't even cute. Not who I want to dream about.

  4. The first two look like porn star bodies with poorly photoshopped heads stuck on them! And I might be mistaken, but that third one looks to be one of those dangerous virgin ladies that the prince is so scared of. Her ta-tas are hiding behind that conveniently raised arm, masquerading as muscles.
    Hilarious as usual, m'dear!

  5. ... I have no idea how you do it, but each week you find another cover that makes me blew my coffee through my nose. Yes, a disgusting idea!

    What I find even more disturbing in Cover I is the Teddy Bear... Really? I mean a Bear in his lab? That is a toy for freaking sake and it screams Innocence and this word has nothing to do with this cover and book...

    Oh and in the last cover: I believe that is a naked Girl there and not a Dude...

    Happy Friday!

  6. OH HOLY SWEET GOSHNESS. I just showed these to my older sister and she gave me a look that said, "Dude, what are you LOOKING at?" I thought she was going to spew out her milk LOL. All three covers look SO awkward, but it's the one with the teddy bear that makes me cover my eyes. When I think of teddies, I think of sweetness and innocence and adorableness... three things that really don't fit with that cover! The poor teddy!

    My day has definitely been made, Jenny! (A little disturbed, but still made LOL) Your hilarious cover critiques always do that! :) <3

  7. I wonder if the purple bear is secretly getting some from behind.

    And, as much as I support anti chastity, there is one small problem with that logic. Everyone starts out a virgin. Why isn't everyone dead then?

    These covers tell me I have to step up my game. I think I need to use that one I sent you Wednesday night.

  8. I can't decide which is most disturbing. Perhaps the first one. Not because he happens to be both shiny and hairy (though that is a cause for nightmares, I'll admit), but because of the oh-so-creepy way he is smiling down at that poor bear. Or maybe he ISN'T grinning at the bear - maybe he is admiring his goods. who knows. ;)

    Mission accomplished, Jenny. Laughs and tears from me!

  9. I don't know where you find these things, but I must tell you that I look forward to your cover posts immensely. :)

  10. I refuse to believe these are real!

  11. Good God, those are terrifically grotesque. You must have a blast searching for these covers. You're like the bad cover siren. :D Happy Friday, Jenny!

  12. wow, it's safe to say, that I would not pick up those books. Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover.

  13. Heather - Right? I feel like we need to launch a rescue mission and snatch him from that man's crotch so the healing process can begin:)

    Alison - Me either. The bear's fate is tragic. I will mourn him.

    Otterdaughter - I think the third cover is a man! Look at those thighs! And the blurb is about a man, so I'm assuming he's male despite his hair. But if not, and it is a virgin woman, she's obviously not going to stay one much longer wandering around like that:)

    Danny - I know. The bear really makes the cover I think. It's amazing. And do you think it's a girl on the third cover? I know the hair is super feminine, but the protagonist is male and he/she has super sturdy thighs, so I think it could go either way really:)

    Mimi - I think we all agree the teddy bear got a raw deal in this photo. He should be on some sweet little girl's bed, not a hairy man's junk:)

    Amanda - I wondered that too ;-) And I like your logic, you are very wise. We definitely should all be dead as children if chastity does indeed bring death.

    Sam - It's a toss up really. They're all equally amazing in a I-wish-I-could-erase-these-from-my-memory type of way:)

    Lisa - Hahaha thank you:)

    Stephsco - I promise they are! You can find them on amazon, goodreads, and the publisher's website.

    Rummanah - Hahahaha I do. It's the highlight of the week:)

  14. Jennifer - I almost want to read the third one just because of the blurb. It's calling to me. I have to know if the virgin is the death of him:)

  15. Those covers are amazing wrong on so many levels. Thanks for making my day and I hope they thew the teddy bear away.

  16. Oh my gosh.....I think I almost died too when I saw those first two...that hairy bear is not sexy!!!

    And that girl on fire has charred armpits....BAHAHAHA...those covers are so freaky where do find this crazy crap????LOL

    Thanks for making my Friday Jenny:D

  17. Oh, I don't even know where to begin with all this...

    1) "How Not To Date A Bear" should be considered a PSA because bears do not, in fact, make good boyfriend material. Wait, could he be a were-bear? Anyhoo, I do have to agree with Danny that this cover reeks a of Eau de Pedophilia!

    2) Look at it this way, they're in a cold, tundra-like environment and he's using his HOT ROD to keep her warm. It's really quite considerate...and well, by his "I am Wolfsblood, hear me roar" stance, I think he knows it. Side note, for her sake, I hope he's not shoving said rod in her ear!

    3) Capes are essential wardrobe items...I've considered getting one for myself actually. I find this cover to be very Godiva-esque. I'm going with female because even though she can probably snap a friggin' tree with those thighs, the flowing lock and high cheekbones are very feminine.

    Good luck topping that first one!
    ♥Isalys / Book Soulmates

  18. Oh my gosh this was the funniest post ever. Hideous. But funny. ;) Shazam!

    ♥ Sarah @ I'm Loving Books

  19. Julie - Aren't they? *Pats self on back*

    Tina - RIGHT? I definitely stopped dead in my scrolling and just blinked at the first one. It was so amazing I couldn't even comprehend the totality of it's amazingness.

    Isa - HOT ROD! Hahahahahahaha I wish I'd thought of that:) I most definitely would not appreciate a rod in my ear. Just saying:)

    Sarah - Hahahaha hideous about sums it up:)

  20. Wow. SO wrong. Especially the first one. He looks so awkward.

  21. My first impression no joke was ,"The hell is that!" And them commence laughing for minutes. You always bring the most interesting book covers to light. I sweat Jenny you do.

  22. ROFL
    *falls dead laughing*

    I have to say this... all 3D cheap renderings need to say in the Sims. None should make it to book covers. Oh you found my pet peeve. However, I love that first one. It's great for a day when you just need a laugh!

    Also, I have to say... "Chastity brings death"?! Crap. I need to start slutting it up. Either that or it is the best line ever for someone in a bar. Oh I wish someone would say that to me. I would love to die laughing that way. :D

  23. Yes! I thought the person on the last cover was a girl!

    The first cover takes the cake though. And the title ... *shakes head*

  24. Is the teddy bear furball guy supposed to be sexy? He's quite a turnoff IMO.

    Chastity does bring death. Believe me. ;)

  25. I'm just curious--how could someone look at those covers and say, "Yes, let's publish with *that* cover." Of course, with stories about fire women embracing the peen and slutty chicks/dudes as the only way to go... *shrugs*

    Really scared for the poor purple bear...The shiny, smiley, hairy dude is definitely creepy!

  26. You've definitely just made my morning, Jenny! That first cover...All I can think is that poor, poor bear. I first thought that there was a woman on the last cover but those thighs are ginormous so...LOL.

  27. Hahahahaa. Oh no... I feel so bad for laughing, but those are pretty horrible.

  28. O.o

    The first guy? I think that his eyes are the creepiest part (AS IF THE TEDDY BEAR WASN'T ENOUGH).

    And I am with those who think that the third may be a female- but then again I have been watching Game of Thrones all day long and I think that the naked female form is forever seared into my brain because of it... ;)


    And seriously, though, why is it usually the same publisher doing this? Who is approving these covers? I mean, NOT APPROVING them would mean we wouldn't get these awesome blog posts from YOU...but seriously?

    LOVE LOVE LOVE these yet again!

  30. Oh wow! worst ever or should .i say best ever finds. Those give crotch flames some searing competition. I am sppechless at these new horrendous finds. Thanks for sharing these gems, I think....

  31. LOL I was also wondering about the last picture being a male or female! I see both points... definitely a mystery! o:

    And LOL!! on the first one. That is just... awful. o.o My mom almost choked when she saw it, hahah. I'm glad I didn't eat when seeing this... *giggles*

  32. I'm going with female for the last one; I think I see boobage and I'm going to assume she does a lot of squats or rides a lot (mind out of the gutter on that comment). Regardless, once again, awesome job on the covers!